A Love Eternal

2011-05-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

“But grief is not the end of all... I see beyond the forest the moving banners of a hidden column. Our dead brothers still live for us, and bid us think of life, not death--of life to which in their youth they lend the passion and joy of the spring. As I listen, the great chorus of life and joy begins again, and amid the awful orchestra of seen and unseen powers and destinies of good and evil our trumpets sound once more a note of daring, hope, and will.” Oliver Holmes, Jr.

Memories have become harder and harder to keep pure of my own imagination but there is one untouched memory in particular that I woke up with today. It was of David and I on the phone while he was on the beginning of his first tour in Iraq in 2005. I was at my parents house, pacing the floors of my old room while trying to deal with the 10 second delay on the phone. We were talking and laughing about silly things when in a brief moment of silence David asked, “Babe? Do you think they’ll forget me?” My heart instantly fell to the floor. “Forget you? Who?” “I don’t know... Everyone. Do you think they’ll forget that I’m here?” “I don’t think that’s possible, David. They won’t forget you. I wouldn’t let them.” He was in Iraq. And his worry was about being forgotten.

Even though the sacrifice given by our young American heros will be forever engraved into my soul, I wish that every story behind the sacrifice can be etched into my heart but there are too many... Although, today is just like any other day for me and families like mine, it’s a day for everyone else a chance to help us. Help us celebrate lives of bravery, perseverance, honor and sacrifice. Today is about the life lived and the future sacrificed so that we may have the chance to honor a nation with our own legacy.

So, under the beaming sun and brilliant blue sky, amongst the cook outs, hikes and shopping sales... Help us not forget. Join us in remembering the way brave men lived their life. Selflessly.

I do.

2010-07-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

“For it is only by my willingness to obey where I do not yet fully see, that I can be led into the unknown territory this is love living itself into action. Beyond the grave there is only conscious love; only conscious faith, only conscious hope. It is the realm of eternal verities. But if I can allow myself to be led, I know I will be brought to my heart’s true home, and even more, to the invincible certainty that this impossible wager is true: love IS stronger than death and we WILL find our lives by laying them down.”

Lately I’ve found myself trying harder and harder to define what used to be so natural to me. Our love. Sometimes the feeling of being “sidelined” from the life we should’ve lived out becomes a thick fog over what’s most valuable to me. Today, I force the fog to clear. And I refuse to view the sidelines. Today it is only love I see.

As I work to clear my point of view this morning... to just TRUST David... the definition of love is becoming more evident, more pronounced even as I sit here... and it has been right in front of me all along.

What is love?

Love has no shape. No gender. No color. No race.
It is open. It is only open. It’s vastness grown more within an open heart. It EVOKES a better self- an “increase in being.” For some reason David and I never had to be told to put the other first... It’s what we mutually desired... for the other’s needs to be met. He made. me better; “increased” who I was- who I am.

“I want it because I think it helps him; he wants it because he thinks it helps me. After a while who gives what or why doesn’t matter anymore; only the giving itself matters.”

It’s not the feeling of love that’s most vital... but... the inner shifting of who you are... of your very nature. It’s the acknowledge for the other the same significance we we tend to see and focus on only in our selves.And with the possibility of this kind of love being reciprocated- the mutual understanding of “give-and-take”... This love... This love is the ultimate union. It’s the kind of love that isn’t put out by death but set free by it. It’s the kind of love that breaths life into my soul.

So today, July 2, 2010 marks our 5th wedding anniversary. To be honest we didn’t need a wedding ceremony to proclaim our love as eternal... as ultimate. But I’d like to think of myself as extremely lucky though, to have had this day with him. I am humbled by this kind of honor. I will never take for granted the moments we were given. I know too many who were not given the chance to say “I do” before their family. Since marriage is defined as “a close and intimate union” it is to you, my dearest friends, I say Happy Marriage Anniversary... today I acknowledge the union this kind of love has lead us to.

“For if what we really did was to bring into being an abler soul between us, then we are both accountable to it, and I must obey and trust even where I don’t yet fully see. I do not have to repeat what he did here; instead, what I must accomplish is something he did not do here; I must do it for both of us. An it can only be done in the one dimension he now lacks and I still have: time.”

David: You are the best of me. I’m smiling from ear to ear right now thinking about July 2nd... It was a fun day, baby... Happy Anniversary, My Love... “I know... I feel it.”

8.

When Memories Fail Me

2009-09-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

I remember crying silent but painful tears in the back seat of someones car... we were running an errand for the memorial service and barely above a whisper, I asked, "What if I forget..." they too began to weep with me. Finally, they cleared their throat to answer, "You'll always have your memories."

I find that statement less than accurate. Because, for me, it sort of feels like the past 20 months have been a downhill battle for my memory. I fight. I fight hard to remember... to recall things we did, things he said, how it felt... But no matter how hard I try, I feel as thought I'm losing just a little as each month passes. There's so much I can no longer recall... and even more that I don't even know that I've forgotten until the need to remember hits me like bricks.

September marks the final days I was able to spend with David before he deployed yet again. Last September I went crazy trying to remember what we did the day before I dropped him off... I went into panic mode. I looked through journals- nothing. I looked at old calenders- nothing. And I looked through bank statements. I tried so desperately to piece together our final hours. I couldn't believe I had let myself forget. I still can't completely recall how we spent that day... but I can clearly replay how we spent that night... in each other's arms.

This September... the desperation isn't there... today, my nails aren't scratching at the door of memories. I think this time around, my hope isn't in the memories itself but in the "knowing" that there are memories. I know we were together. I know he remembers :). This morning, I woke up replaying our last vacation with my family in my head... there was a gap in the memory... but instead of beating myself with a memory stick I decided that when my memory fails me I'll just bask in what I could remember.

"The existence of forgetting has never been proved: We only know that some things don't come to mind when we want them." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Our Mountain

2009-08-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was able to trust with everything in me. Trust God. Have faith. I knew I was blessed... Our lives were difficult, yes, but it was good. When the rug was pulled from under me I wasn't sure if I was going to ever reach that place again. The place where faith was second nature and trusting was never a question.

David and I used to describe that kind of trust like jumping off our mountain. We took in the scenery at the top of it and were always ready to give it all we got to jump off. We jumped when we joined the Army. We jumped when he deployed. And we jumped when he was stop-lossed. But I took the elevator straight down and off of that mountain when he was killed. I felt like a joke had been played on me my whole life. Or maybe I had no idea what trust and faith really was...

This month I've found myself back on our mountain... and I was asked to jump. I realize more and more that Love is the product of faith and trust... and trusting didn't mean I couldn't be scared out of my mind. I know what the bottom of my mountain looks like... so this month I've been appreciating being at the top of it again... looking out... preparing to jump... Loving the trust and trusting in love.

A Road Less Traveled

2009-08-20T00:50:00.000-07:00

I had no clue what to blog about today. I've been processing many things the past few weeks... but no idea how to begin expressing any of it in words. This quote was read to me this morning... (thanks, WSM!) and I believe it helped me sum up my findings:

“All of life is a journey. Which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there.” -Unknown Author

When I married David I knew I had started the journey of my life. A journey in which each step taken would only deepen our love for each other and the life we had in front of us. But I was not prepared for the roads our journey included. It took people all of one day after I received the news about my husband to ask, "What are you gonna do now?? What's next?" Next?! I wanted to rip their eyes! ...But I asked myself the same question... and I remember the exact moment I answered it.

I was siting on the floor beside my bed... frozen. Someone had asked for a pair of socks, which were under the bed... I went to grab one when I froze in a train of thought and lost all awareness of my surroundings. I was completely engulfed. And all I could think of was what I was about to do.

Live.

In that very moment I knew I'd survive. I had to. For David. Not an ounce in me wanted to, but I knew I would. In that moment I chose my path. The words "the road less traveled" kept popping in my head. I didn't know how to do it, or if it had been done before, or what it would even look like... I knew I was going to sound crazy BUT I just had to do it... I would continue this journey, right beside David.

Looking back... I realize I didn't understand the magnitude of all that I was asking of myself. It was all so fresh and raw. But I wasn't blind for long. Now having a better understanding of the burdens my path can acquire, my choice hasn't changed. Still, I have the same tug in my heart. The pull towards life and hope... the pull towards David and a pull for exploring the unfamiliar path of a journey continued with someone who's left this world. Our journey. At first, I thought of this new life as a curse. Strength- as a curse. Survival- a cruel joke. But when I set my mind to see the beauty in our journey, I'm always in....... AWE. In awe of what is behind us and especially in awe of what's in front of us!

Sometimes... Dare I say, on a really good day, I'm excited for what's next! At some point, and I don't remember when exactly... I stopped loathing the future and can even make a plan for a few months in advance! Don't get me wrong- the thought of 10 years still has the ability to make my stomach turn but it doesn't make me angry anymore... I think it's because I can better grasp that all these paths will end at David. He is my inevitable. My goal. My eternity.

Like the quote, He is my destination.

I just have to keep looking at the beauty along the road. The road less traveled.

:)

Wanting

2009-08-13T00:48:00.000-07:00

David is my best friend. And I say is because he's still the one person that knows every thing about me- good and bad. He's still the one person I want to call when things go wrong, the one person I want to get advice from when I have decisions to make, and the one person I want a hug from when my heart is heavy.

This week I really needed my best friend. I had things to do, decisions to make, flights to book, bills to pay, cars to fix... you know the drill. But all I reaaaaallly wanted was my other half; to hear David say that it all didn't matter. I wanted him to say he'll be home with a movie and a quart of ice cream and I wanted to see him smile. Sometimes I get so consumed by wanting that I can't feel his love.

Today, in the midst of all my wanting I forced myself to see all that I have of David and what I could look forward to. I have memories. I have letters. I have his love. I have God. David always said, "Its simple. Faith, Hope and Love." So today... I want hope. To get through... I have faith in the hope his love will bring.

3 Amigos

2009-08-06T00:45:00.000-07:00

After David died the quantity of my friends were seriously reduced. Most feared approaching me, most didn't know what to say when they did... Some pretended like his death never happened. It was a filtering process. At first, the filtering process surprised me. I didn't want to lose friends... especially those who knew David... but it was inevitable.

What I didn't know was that I would gain many more.

For the past week I've been with 2 special friends. We've gone shopping, went out to dinner, stayed up till all hours of the night and watched reality shows... We're all very different in many ways and alike in some. One likes the outdoors and country things... the other likes antiques and plaid... and I like the city and contemporary. All three of us come from very different back grounds... military, college, and missions. We all married the loves of our lives... all military wives. And all military widows. We met through the American Widow Project. We call ourselves... The 3 Amigos!

I never pictured myself in Florida with 2 other military widows but I'm so glad that I am. These women have given me so much... courage, support, and inspiration. I think we all know how important another widow is to our growth as a widow but I just had to say it one more time... I'm so grateful for the widows in my life.

Thank you, Amigos, I had an awesome week.

110 Carriage Pl.

2009-07-30T00:43:00.000-07:00

There's something daunting about entering the place where your life last thrived. I know for a while now that I had to make a trip to Clarksville, TN, where David and I were stationed,but I chose not to dwell on the idea. To be honest, we'd be happy in a cardboard box so long as both of us fit in it, but Clarksville was never our favorite place to be. Yet, it was our home, we built a life and had a routine... we were happy here. At one point, I vowed never to come back. But as fate has it, our tenants moved out and our house needed some fixing. So! Off to Clarksville...

I was doing good! ...Until I drove past Exit 4 on the highway... the beginning of Clarksville. The beginning of all the memories to come. My heart started raising and I had to catch my breath. Did I really want to do this?! ...Too late now, I guess. As the military base entered my view on the right a particular panic began in me and I knew if I didn't call someone I might just lose what strength I have left. I called my WSM. I needed another voice... someone to tell me I was crazy or I could do this. While on the phone I drove around aimlessly for a bit, collecting my mind and taking in all that was familiar. ...The walmart we always went to, his favorite taco stand, the post office, the park... I asked WSM to stay on the phone with me while I made my next stop... 110 Carriage Place... our home.

I sucked in a deep breath as I turned the corner past the street sign... our home in full view. "Memories are too painful for me," a woman once told me... I thought about this as I drove up to the house. I held the house key in my hand for a while... determined to go in... determined to make it through the next few minutes. I stood at the red door with the phone to my ear and the key in the door.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't open it.

I let the key go for a bit, then went to turn it... then let it go... I did this a few times. What if the place wasn't what I remembered? The tears began. The panic found me. I could do this...

I couldn't understand what WSM was saying but I did hear her say something about "good memories..." Yes. Good memories... I have good memories here. With that I opened the door. It was bright inside, open and airy just like I remember. The sunlight came flooding in from the all the windows in the same way it did the first time David and I saw the house. It's was made us fall in love with the place... it reminded us of California. It was perfect.

I walked straight to the spot I've daydreamed about most the past 18 months... an area on the floor not far from the door. I've longed to return to this simple spot on the carpet... the spot where we laid next to each other before I dropped him off the night he left to Iraq. The house was empty, all our furniture was in storage. We had no were to sit so we just sat by the door. It was in this spot where we spent our last moments in our home, in this spot I tried so hard to keep my brave face... in this spot where I cried... in this spot he kissed my tears. It was in this spot that he last held me... he held me the way I will never forget and always crave. One hand under the small of my back, the other under my head. Without thinking, I collapsed my body on the very spot and closed my eyes. I realized how much I love this place and just how good our memories are.

For the past three days I've been at 110 Carriage Place... a tiny house on a cul-de-sac, jam packed with good memories. Happy memories. Every wall, every room, ever cabinet- a memory. There is so much I didn't remember!! But I'm so glad I gave myself the chance to do just that... remember our best moments at 110 Carriage Place, because the woman was wrong.... because for me forgetting is way more painful then the quick sting of a memory.

A Thin Thread

2009-07-23T00:42:00.000-07:00

I've always felt like I related to this art piece made by my sister-in-law. It reminds me of pain. Of strength. Of holding on. Of hope. Do you ever feel like you're hanging on by the thinnest thread? I had been running on empty for a while now... feeling dry and indifferent... Feeling like I had given everything that I had to give, leaving nothing left for me. The past few weeks, like usual, have been a whirlwind. But this whirlwind has been an extremely personal one- intimate even. This whirlwind... took my soul for a ride and dropped it off in a dark alley. In the alley...my tear's flood gates busted open, my heart screamed of pain and my body lay limp, in shock of so much emotion. I've noticed that there's usually a point for me in the midst of this kind of pain when I choose to hold on to that thin thread or let go. If I consider letting go, even for a split second, letting go will be the direction I take. And so, in the dark alley where I thought no one would be looking, my thin thread held strong but I stopped fighting...I let it go.

Over the next few hours I saw nothing but the pain the past 18 months have brought me... I saw only the unfair, unjust, and ugly. My mouth opened to speak but sound failed to escape. I told my body to move but it denied me. I held onto nothing and let myself fall dangerously further into my loss, jealousy, and anger. I tried to recall everything that would wound me further. I didn't care. I didn't crave relief. I didn't want comfort. Finally, air escaped my lungs and as if a switch had been flipped, my eyes dried up. I looked around and realized... somehow I had made it from my bed (my dark alley) to the floor of my shower. Despite my efforts to hide, comfort found me.

Life. I kept thinking. Life.

Life, can be my curse if I let it. Life... I can hate. Or in life... I can hope. I thought again about the past 18 months. This time, allowing myself to remember the places in which I have found strength... in a good listener, in memories, in the bond of another widow, in grace, in David... most recently, I found hope in the birth of new life- David's niece. Even though these things at some point brought me strength to put one foot in front of the other, I attempt to recognize where these things have all derived...

God. I thought out loud.

With that realization, I took a deep breath and replaced my thin thread... with something new... Hope.

Thus Begun Our Dance

2009-07-02T00:39:00.000-07:00

It was a clear, sunny morning on July 2nd, 2005, not an ugly cloud in the sky. I got ready in a room with the women most pronounced in my life at that time. I was escorted by the 8 beautiful women of my bridal party through the hotel and across the country club in California. I stopped briefly at the white fence behind the gorgeous gazebo before taking my place at my father's side. I wanted to take a peek at what awaited under the arched flowers... the sight made my heart race! ....There he waited... for me. At 11am I stood before my best friend, the man I went to for advice, comfort and love. I couldn't tell you what our Pastor spoke of that morning. I can only remember David's hand embracing mine and his eyes- the most pure shade of blue seemed to burn straight into my soul. I remember thinking "Finally... Finally..." It was on that day David took my hand, placed a ring on my finger, and made me his bride. Thus begun our dance.

Today is our 4 year wedding anniversary.

July 2nd represents the most important union in my life. It represents a covenant. A promise. When I was told that David was killed, I remember thinking, "I will not let this end." I was thinking about my marriage. As time has passed, I've been able to continually iron out my thoughts and confirm the ideals I choose to live by. After January 8th, I made a promise (a re-commitment of my vows) to find a way to continue my marriage with David. At the time, I didn't know what exactly I was promising myself. I didn't know what it was like to live day in and day out without the sound of his voice or the warmth of his body. Of course... At age 22, I had never heard of a widow pursuing the growth of her relationship with her deceased husband! But I knew I had to try. Regarding my decision, I've been told that death ended our union, I'm denying myself joy, I've forgotten how to love, and what I seek can not be found... and I've told them all, "Watch me."

And so, my "dance" with David continues. Our relationship is different is every way. This dance... is hard. Painful. It has it's frustrations and anguish. But how can anyone judge my path if it is I who is willing to bear the obvious burdens? To so many degrees I feel like David unknowingly prepared me for this phase in our journey together. He taught me that we don't live for this world, love is the point of all sacrifice and that love, the context of all missions, is stronger than death. I choose to believe and hold onto his words. I can't help but open my heart more and more deeply... to allow him to love me, even now... even after death... on the day that marks the commitment to our soul's union.

To My Husband,
We are separated by form, but 'I am here.'One day I will be brought to my hearts true home. Until then, we dance. My heart burns for you.
Happy Anniversary, My Love.

"Where there is love, there is increase." ~Cynthia Bourgeault

Celebrating the Journey at Hole 8

2009-06-25T00:38:00.000-07:00

This week is a big week for the widows in my life- the military widows of The American Widow Project. Wednesday, we had our first annual charity golf tournament for the organization. Each golf hole was dedicated to the soul mate of an AWP member.

I spent the entire day on a golf course in North Carolina with about 120 supporters and 15 military widows. It was most definitely one of those days when you have to take a step back and shake your head in disbelief. So many supporter. So many survivors. And I am both.

I watched these 15 widows play golf, interact with strangers, hand out prizes, and laugh out loud. They were living life. Something I, at one point, thought I'd never be able to do again. Time and time again "life" surprises me. Shocks me, even. And pushes me. All 15 of us have very different stories in comparison. We're at different points in our journeys. But there we were in one place celebrating one thing... Life. The lives of our soul mates and our lives as survivors.

At hole 8 I found myself smiling from ear to ear... because if I must walk this journey... that was exactly where I wanted to be on that day at that moment with those women. I was celebrating this journey... as were they.

Next Box

2009-06-18T00:36:00.000-07:00

I've moved twice since David passed. Both moves necessary, emotional, and exhausting. I moved into this house 3 months ago. I had unopened boxes from both moves and at some point I just stopped unpacking. Those that remained were shoved into the guest bedroom with the door shut. From time to time I would consider opening the door and organizing the crap I piled on the bed and in the closet... Until this week, it was only a thought. I had completely forgotten what was even in the boxes I kept hidden away.

As I opened the boxes of items that sparked memories of what now seems like my "previous life," a nauseous feeling swept over me. I took deep breaths and forged on. One box contained books... financial books I was reading and saving for David to read when he got home from Iraq, and a journal. My teenage journal. My journal of "I got to see David today," "I think I love David," and "I told my mom I'm going to marry David" days. Seems like such a long time ago. Again, the nauseous feeling came... more deep breaths. I read the journal from start to finish before I continued through the room.

Next box.

Office supplies, photos, Cd's, and a really old computer. I had several flat rate envelopes in the box and I couldn't remember why I had kept them... I was about to throw them away when I realized an envelope had papers in it. I held the envelope upside down and out came the pre-addressed labels and customs forms... To David... From Me. I sent David a package and an envelope filled with letters every week while he was deployed. He looked forward to them every week. How could I forget what the envelopes had been for? I froze for what felt like minutes but had probably only been a few moments. Again, I took a deep breath and just starred at David's name printed on 20 pieces of paper. In that moment I felt like I shrunk a whole foot because the sadness was just... so heavy. I stuffed the papers back into the envelope and put the envelope aside.

Next Box.

In the midst of binders and papers to reorganize and file, I came across a thin red folder. I didn't recognize the red folder and without hesitation I opened it, quickly thumbing through what looked like school notes. How old are these? The date on the last page: January 8, 2008... my handwriting. I went to take in a deep breath...and... nothing... my lungs forgot how to work. My eyes we blinking back tears and my mind fought, fought hard to hold on to something... anything. It was only minutes after writing those notes I got the phone call that changed my life... the day David died... the day I never went back.

These boxes revealed traces of my previous life... a life I loved. A life filled with joy and promise. It was like searching through the clues of a cold case file... evidence after evidence... all leading to nothing. A dead end. To January 8Th. Everything I was familiar with stopped that day. Every plan for our future... gone. Cruel evidence.

Our life together now isn't what we ever imagined it would be. But I'm trying my best to make it one that I'd be proud to one day recount. I had put these items into boxes knowing that one day I'd open them... So again, I did the same. I put the items that drew so much emotion out of me into new boxes... Maybe one day I'll feel differently about them. Maybe one day they wont hurt me so much.

A Journal Entry

2009-06-11T00:36:00.000-07:00

I've been glancing at David's journal for the past week. It sits on a special bookshelf in our living room. I used to read it every night before my pathetic attempt at sleep but it's been a while since I've opened the pages. This small, brown, soft leather journal is emenently special to me. His hands have touched every page of the tattered book, on a good day or bad day this journal was his connection to me. His outlet when I couldn't be. Finally, today, I opened it... for the hundredth time.

David's front journal entry, November 24, 2005:

"Baby, not everything in this book is going to be easy to read. These are my thoughts and feelings. My fears and Love notes. I am going to spill my guts, try to write songs and pour out my heart. When I'm done... this is for you.

I love you with all my heart, Nicole.

David Hart."

Lately, I've felt like life has been asking more of me. Not in an overwhelming way... but that soft, almost silent knock on at my conscience. I've been surpressing that gentle push, thinking what more can I possible do?! What more can life want... expect... of me? Somehow, I can get myself to sleep every night knowing very well that I'll wake up in the morning. And then somehow... I get myself up everyday. I've become comfortable with my routine... Warmed the seat I'm sitting on. But even though my seat is warm... it's become quit lumpy.

Raw. Honest. Real. Were emotions that jumped out to me from this entry. That was David. That was us. His opening page was all I had to read to set my perspective straight. His words, "when I'm done... this is for you," sparked a thought: Am I living a life worthy of such devotion? Am I being honest with myself? Do I recognize who I've become? If I was being as honest with myself as David always was with himself... I'd say, No. I'd say, life as been asking more of me, and I've chosen to ignore it. This request... may only be an inch... but an inch in which direction?? At the moment, I can't be sure. But I can no longer ignore it. David wouldn't want me to. He'd be the first to enourage me to find myself... to listen to the silent knock... to take the inch and find out where it leads me. But even though the journey might only be a simple inch farther... from experience, it might not be scenic getting there. Maybe that's where my hesitation stems from. The expecting of the ugly. The bad to get to the good. Either way, I have to try.

"Baby, this journey I take may not always be easy for you to watch... because pain will get the better of me at times. I will always still be learning, but I promise to be as honest with myself as you would be with me. You already know my thoughts, feelings, fears and love notes. I will try to dance for you, My Love, and enjoy this life. When I'm done... You'll know... that it was all for you.

I love you with all my heart, David.
Nicole Hart."

To Survive...

2009-06-04T00:33:00.000-07:00

It feels as though it doesn't take much to get me tired these days. I could be doing the same tasks I did before, only now, it takes everything out me. I'm exhausted to the core. Emotionally, I'm fine. Physically, I'm spent. I wonder if it'll always be like this... If it'll always take quadruple the strength to get through a day and all that it entails. When I woke up this morning, I thought "I survived." Survived yesterday.

What does it really mean, anyway, to survive? Surviving could seem more like a curse than an attribute at times. When the words "You are strong" were said to me, I'd almost gag. I was disgusted. Strong? Did I ever really choose to be strong? Merely existing was a betrayal in itself. So, to tell me that on top of existing I was "strong" and a "survivor" ...I was appalled.

But... I guess I am a survivor. Out of all things to survive from, I survive through this?! Did I know that I was capable of surviving such a reality? Hell no. But what shocks me, even now as I lay in my bed with a bleary view of my day, is that I am more... more than a survivor. I'm exhausted because I am living... breathing... prevailing. In those first few months, existing was more than I thought possible... More than what should have been asked of me. Still, there are days, sometimes weeks, when existing and "being" is all I can muster. Then there are mornings like now, when I can recognize the weeks that have past me by so quickly and why...

I'm grateful this morning. Grateful, for the chance to meet so many vigorous women who, in the face of their worst reality, do more than survive... unknowingly, they've inspired me to do the same.

A Life Altered

2009-05-28T00:31:00.000-07:00

Still, I am taken back when someone in David's life has just learned of his death. How could they not have known??! Shouldn't anyone who had ever come in contact with him during his life have felt the earth pause the moment he passed away? As if the earth should have been altered if he no longer walked upon it. Dramatic, I know. It's the best way I can describe the disgust I feel when I'm told that someone is yet to hear of his passing. My world will never look the same again. Why should theirs?

I have lived through more than I've ever considered possible. Surprising no one more than myself. Life moves on... but it should be different. Changed. Shouldn't it? I have come to grips with that fact that I will never again be satisfied with the pace of life. It will now always be either too fast or too slow... One day closer to David, yet another day farther from when I had him.

The earth does not skip a beat when extraordinary men, like David, exit from it's pull. It does not alter. It does not cease... It pushes forward. But forever I am changed. Today, I recommit to embracing that change! I can bathe in gratefulness for the moments I did have. Smiling, because as I type I can almost remember the true sound of his voice... Music to my ears!!

It's hard for some people (non-widows) to believe that I truly consider myself to be lucky. Blessed. Yes, I am living through my nightmare. Yes, I wake up everyday to a new realization that David isn't coming back and the world keeps going. But, this morining, the clouds have parted and I can see that a life with David is more than I could have thought to ask for. No, it's not the typical lifetime we thought we'd experience together but it's a lifetime nonetheless.

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

Today is Memorial Day. I remember last Memorial Day. I was alone on my couch with the computer on my lap... searching for another widow. Searching for someone who understood my pain. I was also searching for Memorial Day ideas. Of course, Memorial Day had a new and profound meaning to me. It was no longer a day David and I got off work... It was a day that defined David's death. Putting a flag on my door was no longer enough. But then again... what gesture is good enough to say thank you for FREEDOM?

The quality of a true warrior is that he is in service, selfless service, to a purpose greater than himself; a transcendent cause. Albert Einstein once said, “Only a life lived for others is worth living.” Selfless service is such an astounding concept, one that is either barely grasped or the source of the nature of your soul. Memorial Day is a day we come together not to remember victims but warriors; idealists, who risked their lives, their futures, in the pursuit of something bigger than themselves.

But what actually brings a person to give so much of themselves to the service of others?

After David gave four years to his country and was stoplossed. When I asked him to runaway with me he looked straight into my eyes and said, “I’m here to give all that I have to offer, to serve whoever I can… To serve my leaders, my men, and you. I can’t leave them. Some won’t come back if I don’t go.”

His mission was to serve. I knew asking David to stay behind was asking him to be less then who he was. I never asked him again. He's a warrior, like so many, who believe in a cause greater than self preservation, a cause they're devoted to even unto death… because it is written into the very fabric of their being.

Today marks the 2nd Anniversary of Cpl Michael Davis' ultimate mission in action. 2 years ago today, Michael walked his last day on earth. I never got the pleasure of shaking his hand and thanking him for my freedom... but his widow is my best friend. My WSM. For the Davis' I will always be thankful.

Indeed, Memorial Day has a new meaning...

Because David and Michael's ultimate mission of service was in the forefront of their mind at all times, they lived passionately, loved with all their heart, and left a legacy not soon forgotten.

Thank you, to all the men and women who have given me the gift of freedom... freedom to enjoy life. I will never be able to express my gratitude and pride for my husband and those who represent the country I walk upon.

Thank You, Cpl. Michael Davis. I will never forget.

Proverbs 20:5 “The heart of a man is like deep water..."

2009-05-14T00:24:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about David. Not that I actually try. But today it's more like he is ALL I'm thinking about. Even when his beauty fills my mind I can't help but feel partial. Like someone tore off my legs and somehow…I’m still living.

I've wondered from day one (of widowhood) how long I’d survive this life. “Time” I no longer understand nor try to comprehend. I can only hope I don't live long enough to forget. If I think for too long about how much I already fail to remember, I panic. Fearing that one day there will be nothing authentic left of David in my consciousness but only a notion of who he once was.

At times, I feel as though all I have are memories. But I cannot allow his passing to be just a memory. JUST A MEMORY... is NOT enough. David is more. I want more for us. I know God didn't bring us together for only memories. How pointless... where would “hope” be in that? No. We were brought together for more... Like David, I too believe there is something bigger to this life than we can see or grasp.

Still... my legs are lost. A man's lost legs are not recaptured... He'd never forget what it was once like to have his legs. A physical part of him that is not longer visible. Forever they would be his legs. David is my pair of legs. He is not a memory... I will not let him be... David is forever a physical part of me... I will never forget what it was like to have my legs. To run with David through life. To jump off clips with faith in hand. To proudly stand next him.

Today, I must remind myself that forgetting David is beyond the bounds of possibility. I can hold on. I still have both arms.

Indifferent.

2009-05-07T00:23:00.000-07:00

Indifferent: Lack of feeling. Being neither too much nor too little. Neither good nor bad. Neither right nor wrong.

Journal entry this week: I wish I was upset, but I'm not. I wish I felt sad, but I don't. Depressed?...don't think so. I want to cry, but I can't. Scream... but I won't. I feel so out of place. Maybe this is it. I've finally snapped. I lost it to the point where I feel nothing. No ache. No agony. No burn. No malaise. Might this be the calm before the ruthless storm blindsides me once more? Or the end to my most vivid nightmare? The silence is eerie... unsettling... yet, not out of place. Still, this is wrong... I feel neither torture nor exuberance. Where's my drive? Motivation? Passion? Is there any of that left within me?

Purgatory. Emotional purgatory... that's what this is. As much as I want to feel something... I'm can't. No pain, no energy... no David.

"Indifferent," WSM said. She was right. What I felt... what I feel now is indifferent. But how is that possible? How can one ever feel indifferent after spreading the ashes of their soul mate over the ocean, writing their eulogy, or planning their memorial? Indifferent? Seriously?

I've become what I swore I couldn't. Accustomed. I'm used to not waking up to David sliding my body across the bed and closer to him, used to not hearing his voice call my name, used to not seeing him walk through the door and take off his sunglasses... I am used to waking up, taking out the trash, cooking, and watching a movie... without him. I'm even used to seeing his name on websites, engraved on stone, and on a memorial. I can bare it all... and even that doesn't hurt to say out loud anymore.

What has become of me? Who I was, I vaguely remember. Who I am, I'm figuring out. This sense of indifference might be a coping strategy of mine... my body's safety switch. I don't know. But what I do know is this "absence of feeling," like most of my mental journeys, won't last forever. For now, it's possibly what I needed. This chapter is only temporary, maybe even brief... but a juncture for what's to come nonetheless. And so I wait and hope that what's to come will be better than indifference.

Take My Hand

2009-04-30T00:20:00.000-07:00

I had sand all over my feet and the wind in my face. My eyes were closed as I stretched my arms out wide as I could and I balanced against the railing of the life guard tower. I held my palms up as if waiting... expecting David to take them, I almost felt as though he did. I took deep, careful breathes... I wanted David. I caught myself whispering, "Come get me... please... come get me." I meant those words with every cell in my body. Come get me. Rescue me. David. I let my mind dance around whatever memories volunteered themselves.

Once again, I remembered the night David and I watched a movie called, "The Village." In the movie, Ivy (a blind women), in time of distress, holds her hand out in front of her knowing that her love, Lucious, would come to take it. He'd rescue her. She knew he'd come and he knew she'd be waiting. Watching this, David turned to me and said, "I want to be that for you." I knew exactly what he meant. As I stood on the that tower and remembered his words, I couldn't help but smile. I felt warm and safe.

As I opened my eyes I was determined, once more, to continue this journey. There is an intense spiritual yearning between me and David that is strong enough to withstand the loneliness and ache of this world. Each morning as I wake up I hold out my hand for David to take it... for yet another day. Each day I survive I am more convinced then the previous that this life is still to be shared with David. I am more convinced of Love's strength and determination. David is holding my hand and running me through to the end. With nothing to hold him back...not this world, not his body nor time itself restrains David. So David's love, the life of his soul, is free to pour out. I believe David is active in my life... I believe his love pours out on me everyday... My love, my husband, will always be there to grab my hand with his.

Bdays

2009-04-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

(Picture taken at Six Flags California, April 2006, our 21st Birthdays.)

It is birthday weekend. David and I were born only two days apart, out of all the years I've known him we've only been able to spend 3 birthdays together... Our 16th, our 21st, and our 22nd birthdays...

Previously, I looked forward to new years to come, new challenges... another birthday... life. Right now, just thinking of turning another year older without him leaves me with a knot in my stomach. How is this possible? How is it that time can fearlessly move forward without the love of life and without my consent?

It's all too easy for me to obsess over "time." Is it my gift? Or curse? Must I embrace it? I wish I can run from it. I wish hiding under my comforter actually made time cease. I remember thinking, in my early days of widowhood, that I wouldn't make it to 23- widowed at 22. Here I am, at the mercy of time, turning 24 just as David should be. Somehow in the midst of all my denial and obsessing over the impossibility of time's persistence, another year went by. A whole year.

I can no longer say with confidence that I won't be here next year. Time does not "heal all my wounds" as ignorance describes, but time does begin to dull the intensity of the pain. Time allows for my thoughts to clear, for love to grow, and for strength to persevere. Time... I hate it... but it's proven what's most important to me- LOVE prevails. It's shown me what David saw all along... my strength.

I'll probably be here for our 25th birthdays... so...(DEEP BREATH) here's to another year... With LOVE, I know I can make it!

Happy Birthday, My love.

My Valley

2009-04-16T00:13:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday. As I lay in my bed pondering all the emotions I've traveled through this week... I can't help but smile and shake my head... Wow. Where the heck did I go this week?? And how did I get back?!

Have you ever traveled through the depths of the "valley" of grief and lost recognition of who you are? I think and say things that surprise even myself while I'm making my way through the dark. I speak of doubt and my thoughts are easily consumed by hopelessness. I become lazy as the remote control becomes my best ally, my social skills go down the tubes, and I see no end.

Convinced that the past 8 years have been nothing more then my imagination, I doubted David. I doubted his very existence. I doubted his love. I doubted us. Sinking deeper into my couch cushions, I began to ask myself: Did you ever really know him? Did he really love you? The possibility that I exaggerated the strength of our love... the connection of our souls... My valley got darker before I saw even a flicker of light. I can't even count how many times I've thrown in the towel while curled in my ball of pain. Still, I survive. Still... I'm here. Why??

I called David's mother... to make sure he was real- that I didn't make him up. And I began to sift through the emails... emails he wrote to me. I laughed out loud, smiled childishly, and cried my eyes out. This time, my tears were not tears of hopelessness, rather tears of comfort and hope. He is real. I remember now... He is real.
"...We were meant from the very beginning of time to love each other."
-David, from an email in August 2003-
I held on tight to his words...HIS words and began making my way out of my valley.

I decided that I have a mission- a purpose. I have NO idea what, but I'm trusting that the moment my "mission" is complete that I too will return to eternity... return to "the very beginning of time," where our souls were destined to be united. This is what pulled me from my darkness this week... This is my hope.

The Truth?

2009-04-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had to lie to protect yourself? To protect what's left of you?

I thought I was ready to go back to work 3 months after David was killed. I have no particular logic as to why I thought it was time to mingle with the "others" but I assumed if I just refused eye contact I'd be OK.

In my line of work, you see the same people maybe once a month or once every few months, so there's plenty of small talk... "How's the family" "What are you up to" .... When I got to work, I realized no one knew. No one knew what I had just gone through only 3 short months ago, what I still go through every day. They had no idea nor did I think they cared that my soul mate was killed in Iraq.

I kept to myself. Sticking to the plan: NO EYE CONTACT. I had my cell phone in my hand at all times and the moment I felt a conversation heading my direction I used it. But, of course, this plan didn't work all day. An elderly gentleman began a polite conversation with me... He noticed my wedding ring and began the routine:

"Wow. You look so young... Are you really married?" (Blah Blah Blah)
"Yes, I am"

I knew it was coming... the dreaded questions... about David.

"What does you husband do?"
"He's in the military. Army."
"Oh! Where is stationed?"

...... I took a huge deep breath... this was it...

"He was killed in Iraq 3 months ago."

It surprised me how flat the words came out of my mouth. I said them fast, as if ripping a band aid off. But it didn't help, right at that moment I wanted to run away. Run home. Allow my bed to swallow me whole!

He began, "Well, your heart should be healed by now... You're so young... When do you think you'll start dating again?"

Oh, this poor unsuspecting man never saw me coming. I finished this conversation and I finished it well... giving him no chance to interrupt me, I told him exactly what I was thinking. When I walked away from the man (now 5 inches shorter) I felt like collapsing. I was exhausted! It took so much out of me, more than I thought remained, to fight... to defend my love. I realised I couldn't do this all day long.

So when the next innocent person began the routine conversation... "Are you married? What does your husband do? Where is he?".... I'd answer,

"He's in Iraq."

This seemed to go over better then telling the truth. So this is what I did instead. I lied. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't in denial about David... I knew very well that he was gone... not in Iraq. But I couldn't stand the comments, the casualness... the dismissal. I had to protect myself. There were those rare people I entrusted with the truth but I always chose who to tell my story to, our story, very carefully.

This week I found myself in a position to continue my lie or tell them the truth. I hadn't seen this group of people in about a year and last thing I told them was David "was in Iraq." I decided, whoever asked would get an honest answer. They asked. I casually briefed them on the past 15 months of my life. They nodded. Giving a "wow" every now and then. And it was over. Nothing special. No tears, no hugs, no "you poor thing..." I didn't feel particularly ecstatic about their emotionless reaction but... now they knew.

I began this journey scrambling for "support." I was unable to speak the truth, because at the end of the day I was left alone with my thoughts... with their piercing words... with my pain. Now... I can look to the east and west and see... another widow's journey... I could look in front of me and see those ahead in their walk... I could look in back of me, to see those entering the doors I've opened. This among other things gives me strength to tell undeserving ears the truth. Our story is mine to tell, and I reserve the right to withhold it if needed... but I'm less scared at this point to share it with those who can not relate.

The truth is: My gorgeous husband sacrificed his life to protect me and his men... He served this country. Our story? Ask me. I'm proud to share it.

I am not alone

2009-04-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

Confession: I am not fun when hungry. When my hunger sets in I get a headache, become weak, and I'm grumpy! I can't hide my hunger well, and David knew this better than anyone. The moment I became difficult he'd ask, "Have you eaten today?" "No." His action? Drop everything and get my wife some food! David always prevented my "hunger monster" from showing it's face. Thinking of this makes me smile, because I know no one takes better care of me than he does.

This week, I found myself... you guessed it... hungry! I had an hour before my appointment, I had just spent the last 20 minutes searching for parking and my headache started to kick in. My choices? Get food and take it back to my car (I've done this many times) or eat in the restaurant... alone. It was almost 15 months ago when the first thought of being the "lonely-looking lady, eating alone" entered my mind. I refused the thought then, but now? I was actually considering it! I've conquered grocery store shopping and cooking a meal for one... but eating out? Ugh. I could feel the lump in my throat swell, my headache grow, and my energy lessen. I have to eat. "Today's the day," I challenged myself.

While placing my order I began to create my plan of action- sit outside in the patio because there are less tables. Less tables meant less people. Less people meant less eyes which, of course, meant less staring. Finally, my food came and it was official... I began my first meal alone in public. All of a sudden, all eyes were on me! The spotlight was focused on me! And everyone waited for my next move ...or so I assumed.

What's better? To act as if you eat out alone all the time and it's no big thing ooor act as if at any moment your company is about to join you? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I did both. I pulled myself together and looked around. No one was watching. No one cared. I was sitting at a table for two and they didn't even blink an eye. Calmly, I began to eat my meal. "Why did you leave me here," I said to David. I tried to take each bite with purpose, hoping I would appear less insecure. I picked up my phone... checked my email... looked at my twitter account. Before I knew it... it was like my dad had let go of the bike before I had the chance to realized I was riding it on my own. I was doing it! Eating. Alone. I took a deep breath, "You're almost done."

(My phone rang) My eyes got big with excitement, "Woo-who! I'm being rescued!!...No. Nicole, don't answer. No cheating. You must do this alone."
(Voicemail) "Listening to the voicemail isn't cheating..." I convinced myself as I brought the phone to my ear.

"Nooo!" It was a new widow... one I had been worried about. Never having heard the voice of another widow before, I knew calling me was a challenge for her in itself. And I just let it ring! Before her voicemail could finish playing my phone died. "Crap!" I stuffed what I could in my mouth, left the rest behind and began a quick pace back to the car. I had to plug in my phone and at least tell her I'm out of battery before my appointment begins in 9 minutes!

As I hustled my way to the car, it hit me... As I faced my apprehension, a widow clear across the country was also overcoming hers. She made her first call to another widow. And I knew in that moment what David would say as he'd give me his patient smile, "Oh, My Love... but you are not alone." I closed my eyes briefly as if to inhale it all in... I am not alone.

Stronger than Death

2009-03-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up the morning of January 8th, 2008 elated to be alive! I guess you can say David and I grew up together. We met when we were 12 years old. My soulmate. I've held only his strong hands, kissed only his beautiful lips, and sleep next to only his gorgeous body. My husband always said I was a "happy" morning person and that morning was no different. Still dark outside when my alarm went off,I gave my body a nice long stretch and as I released my breath the words, "I love you" effortlessly made their way off my lips. I was giddy! I couldn't wait to talk to him again! I checked my phone... No missed call... Ringer volume... on high. I turned my computer on, signed into my instant messenger and turned its volume also on high.

Throughout the day I'd casually checked my phone... no missed call. I wasn't worried. I never had to convince myself he was busy because I knew he was and he'd call as soon as he could... he always did. My phone rang!! ...My mother... I ignored it only to have to ignore it two more times. Finally, I called her back... on the other side of the phone was a quivering voice. I could tell she was trying to stay calm but something was wrong. She convinced me she "wasn't feeling good."

"My heart hurts. Please come home."
"You want me to tell them I'm not coming into work today?"
"Yes, please. Nicole, be careful driving. Drive slow."
"O-k..."

I began my drive to my parent's home, my mother's words replaying again and again in my head. Her "heart hurts"?! Confused, I rushed home. Got out of the car. Walk into the house. Dropped my bags. "What's going on guys? Is something wrong with Dad?" My brother was on the couch making no eye contact and my mother was shaking when she began to say, "Nicole, it could be nothing, but the Army is here." And they were. I turned around to find two uniformed soldiers walking up to the front door.

“…On behalf of the Secretary of Defense… On January 8th of 2008... SGT David Joseph Hart... died... in Balad, Iraq from wounds sustained while on a combat mission.” I couldn't believe those words just came out of a soldier’s mouth. I couldn’t believe they knew my husband’s name! Twenty minutes and a couple signatures later, they were gone. My husband, my best friend, and love of my life, died the morning of the 8th. He was killed while I was sleeping and I had no idea.

Papers! Papers! Papers! No one bothered me with the details of the paperwork, which I appreciated, they just told me to “sign here.” The following morning, I was sitting at the kitchen table when more papers were brought to me, I was signing where told... when I saw "it"... A box to be checked next to the word “WIDOW.” I lost it! Literally, I began to scream. My husband had only been dead for a day and at 22 years old I was having to check a “widow” box?!

I've come a long way since my first encounter with the word "widow." It no longer makes my skin crawl or my heart drop. Instead, I can say it as proudly and as easily and I can say, "I am David's wife." There are days when I'm left shaking my head in complete disbelief... Days when I slip into my "dark place." But I am not alone. It's been over a year for me and I know my journey through widowhood has only just begun but -hands down- my greatest gift given to me while on this new journey with David has been having another widow by my side.

David always believed in something bigger/greater then himself. Having the honor of serving the American Widow Project as made that real to me. Love. Love is the life of my soul... Love is unstoppable. Love is bigger then me. I know with out a doubt my journey with David does not end with death. I am proud to be his wife and widow... to represent him, to hold his legacy and keep it alive. I would live this life the same again and again because I know he's mine for eternity. My love for him increases often! My husband, my soulmate, my warrior liked to say, "Our love is stronger than death..."

So much reminds me of David and of Hope... all things strong, beautiful, young, and pure. Today... my heart is confident. I am loved.

The Last of the Physical

2008-09-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

I can't fall asleep... I didn't know why until just now. Today's the day I've been dreading all month and somehow it just caught me off guard. At this time last year, I let David go for the last time. I stared at every freckle on his face, hugged him tight,kissed him softly... and tried frantically to memorize it all! After getting me into the car, he smiled as he said "I love you," and began to walk away... as I sat in my car I said to myself, "Don't look back." Of course, I looked back to see him walk away with his IBA and ruck-sack in one hand and his laptop case in the other. He never turned around. This was our second time in this position as it was his second tour. He described deployment day like this: "It's like there's a train already in route and moving fast. You can ignore it while you're not on it but when it calls and it's time to get on... you have a job to do. The train doesn't stop for you... It doesn't allow you to look back. But it's because of you that I can get on." Again, I watched him get on that train.

The morning of September 19, 2007... I watched him sleep for the last time... in my head I was begging him to wake up but didn't have the heart to wake him up myself. It's our last day together! I felt really strong and happy though! I wanted to make sure it was a good day. Finally, he woke up and like always we took our shower together- our last shower. After packing up our blankets we went to get our usual... Starbucks. We ran a couple errands,one being Best Buy to get him a laptop case. David liked backpacks, rucksacks, boxes or shelves (things of a organizing nature) so we enjoyed this errand! We might of had lunch at Longhorn Steakhouse, but it's hard to remember. I don't remember the early evening too well... but we packed up the last bit of the house together and at some point David wanted to buy me a jacket since he made me give all my zip-up hoodies to the salvation army! *(I had a lot)* We drove to the mall and he picked out a jacket and sweater that I had been eyeing. We got some ice cream and headed home. At this point it was dark and our time was counting down. At 2400 hours he had to be at the company. I don't recall what we did at home initially... but at some point there was nothing left on the To-Do list in our heads... His uniform was laid out, his boots by the door, and his bags in the car... It was just us.

We decided to lay on the floor. Our entire home was packed up and in storage... so we set an alarm and relaxed by the stairway near the door. We just talked, kissed and held each other... We tried expressing how much we love the other but words never did it justice. Time for him to get ready was nearing... As his body shifted over mine, he embraced me with his arm under my back and the other hand under my head. He just held me like this- so delicately and kissed me. I remember thinking "This is just like that memory verse in Song of Songs." We kissed some more... soft but distinctive... Each kiss had it's purpose- attempting to convey just how much love we had for each other in that moment. My heart was overwhelmed with love for him! I felt as though we were melting further into each other... Our spiritual connection pulsing and growing stronger.

In that moment, as his lips briefly left mine, against my will a single tear fell down my face. I did not want to cry! But my love... my love for him took over. My heart was dancing and breaking at the same time. My mind, for only a split second, remembered- soon, I'd have to let him go. Quickly, I shoved the negative thought back into the dark. But as the first tear fell, another followed and then another. Not a single sound came from me. In attempt to hold back the flood of tears that fearlessly threatened to burst out, I kept my eyes closed... also hoping he hadn't seen. But of course he did. I felt him look at me. He always thought I "looked beautiful" when I cried, "like an angel," He would say when I was done crying. He knew if he said it while I cried I'd get embarrassed and might hide my face. He didn't say it this time, but I knew he was thinking it. I wasn't embarrassed. Lovingly, he held me, watched me, and with his thumb wiped away a few tears.

"Baby..." He said, broken hearted, bringing my head to his chest. I cried a bit more and held each other as though we couldn't be close enough. He leaned his head on mine and stroked my hair. I was so precious to him. He held me like I was rare treasure in his hands! I didn't feel like porcelain or glass, like some might chose to describe it- the opposite actually. I felt precious and delicate, yet strong and absolutely UNbreakable! Never have I felt fragile while in his arms... Nothing can harm me there. Again, I felt the pulse from our love. Few words were said, they didn't need to be, our love spoke volumes! He kissed my tear-soaked lips a few more times before the alarm went off. It was time to go.

David and I are bonded together and our bond has not an ounce of anything man-made in it! We are bonded together by the Spirit. We always felt it, even as teenagers, but lacked the words to describe it. Still words fail me. But our bond has only ever increased in its strength and durability! David never had to be present in order for his love to be felt like the night of the 19th. When separated, one of us would begin to describe how much we loved the the other... the reply would always be, "I know, Baby... I feel it!" So now when I say "I feel his love," know that it's said by my soul. "I feel it!" I may not be able to be held, kissed, or touched by David... He's not able to place an arm under my back and a hand under my head... His thumb can no longer wipe away my tears. BUT his LOVE can reach me!! His love provokes, strengthens and inspires me! Our love IS that "pulse" and it has NO concept of death.
So as I lay here and think of our last physical moments together, I cry... I cry not because of loss... but because of LOVE. TRUE LOVE. ETERNAL LOVE.
OUR LOVE.
I feel strong! For, as long as David loves me, I am entirely his!

"I know, David... I feel it!!"

"Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me." Song of Songs 2:5-6

Not Just A Memory

2008-08-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about David. Not that I actually try. It's more like he is ALL I think about. Today, his smile seems most clear... his big, white, gorgeous smile!! If he smiled you HAD to as well! It's been more then 7 months... 7 months and 13 days! Weird. I'm incomplete. I am with out legs... but still I am living. I wonder how long I'm to live this life.. 5 years? 8? 10? 20? I don't know. I can only hope I don't live long enough to forget. If I think for too long about how much I feel like I'm forgetting, I panic. I fear that one day there will be nothing REAL left of David in my memory... only my imagination. I would have never thought that we'd end up with only memories. Sometimes i feel as though all I have is memories, but soon after I realize... He is here with me. I can not allow his passing to be just a memory. JUST A MEMORY is NOT enough. David is more. Even with my waves of emotions... my anger, need, desperation, and tantrums... I want to be used. I know God didn't bring us together for only memories. How pointless... where would hope be?No. We were brought together for more... Like David, I too believe there is something bigger to life then me... bigger then us.... bigger then life itself.

I wish so much David was here with me. I wish so desperately that we could have dived down into the ocean together... He loves the water!!! Just being near an ocean or water made him happy. I wish I swam with him more often... but I didn't know how to swim :) I was thinking... If heaven's "earth" is filled with pleasures... swimming would be one of David's. I can't wait. I can't wait to watch him enjoy it... to swim with him too! One of my first dreams, maybe it was even my very first dream, of David after his death was of me and him in a beautiful ocean. The scene was tropical... There were trees and plants of shapes and color that I had never seen before. The water was so clear and blue. The beauty of the scene just seem so beyond my imagination. David was holding my hand underwater. As we came out of the water music was playing... there was a feeling of FUN that surrounded us. We were laughing and smiling!! SOOOO IN LOVE! : ) His hands were on my hips and I remember moving to the rhythm of the drums that were playing... teaching him a dance of some kind. (He always wanted me to teach him "dance") haha. I don't know why I just went off on that dream. But it reminds me of this place- Bonaire.

I wish he was here. I wish I could see his reaction to this place... his excitement. I've said this before, of course, but I miss my husband. I miss standing by his side and holding his hand. I miss sitting on his lap or kissing his neck. I miss hearing his laugh! Or watching him with his friends... watching him make new ones out of strangers. I wish I could sneak up behind his and wrap my arms around him! I want to touch his face!!! And kiss his lips!!! I want to look into his eyes and, without saying one word, tell him I'm madly in love with him. I miss discussing things with him. Repeating a conversation I just had with someone to him... and hearing his. I miss being able to say "My husband is right over there... "

It's not easy meeting new people and feeling like there's a big crater in your soul that everyone should be able to see but can't. This is why I describe it as losing my legs. I fell like I have a visible disability. I can see it. I can feel it every freaking moment of every flipping day. My life isn't over but changed forever. Why can't they tell that the best part of me is no longer walking earth along side me. Can't they see that there was more to me? Can't they see my ring??? Still, I don't know what to say... should I tell them my husband is dead... should I lie? How much do I let them know? Do they deserve to know? Will they understand? And do I care? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I wish my disability was truly visible to all... sometimes I'm grateful that it's not.

Still... my legs are lost. A man's lost legs are not just a memory... A man will never forget what it was like to have his legs, they are a physical part of them that are no longer there... forever they will be HIS legs. David is my pair of legs. He is not a memory... I will not let him be... David is forever a physical part of me... I will never forget what it was like to have my legs. This life is so lonely. But one day... I will be whole again : )

Earthquake!!!

2008-07-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

DANG IT!!! ONLY ANOTHER "CLOSE CALL..." *sigh*

So, I was sitting at my desk at work... Missing David. I was reading his emails to me and mine to him... I was thinking of how much I love him and wish I could be with him... and my computer starts shaking. My manager was rolling his chair around to grab a file so I thought it was him. He comes back to his desk, and both our computers start to shake... then the frames... then the walls started making a loud sound... an earthquake. I looked up to the ceiling and saw the lamp swaying back and forth and thought, "Is this it?? I'm gonna get crushed in a building and I get to be with David! Do I move? Do I 'try' to exit the building or just sit and welcome my fate?" And yes, all of that was said in my head haha. You know how you have those "my life flashed before my eyes" moments?? We that was mine. I've had them before January 8th... but it's different now. I no longer think of what I'm leaving behind... only who is waiting for me. I wonder if David was taken by surprise? haha... If he was watching and thought "Yay! Baby! You're coming to me!... Awww man.. never mind..." (His respond would've gone something like that.) Or maybe he sat back with a smile... thinking "Awww... shes so cute... she thinks she's coming to me. It's not time yet, LoveLove..." WHO THE HECK KNOWS! Its fun to think about though.

Well I'm here. Still here. Still at work. Still love David. My time will come : ) Until then I'll still be working on being the best widow of David I could be : )

You would've looooved that earthquake, David! It was a 5.8!

FUN STUFF! ; )

I love you!!!

Kiss Kiss!!

All thoughts lead to David

2008-07-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

Seriously, ALL thoughts really do lead to David! ALL THOUGHTS!! If I'm thinking about pancakes, laundry, music, dance, a shower, the park, running, being sick, brown mountains, a gold star, the ocean, vacation... it all leads back to David. Does this eventually stop? I hope NOT! I don't ever want to stop thinking of my Love. He is still the air I breathe, the reason I eventually get up... He is my only sunshine. David is my light at the end of this miserable dark tunnel.

Our love breaks all boundaries. Words are never descriptive enough these days. David and I have spent most of our time separated by many miles... yet we were always falling more in love with each other. We couldn't help it... the distance drew us closer.

Some think I'm wasting my time or not moving on because I'm in love with someone who isn't coming back. But I beg to differ... I think it's a privilege to love and be loved by David. No one feels David like I do. I feel him... I feel his love... it's what keeps me going. It's what put my foot in front of the other.

He had said to me that I was worth going through another 15 months in Iraq...

Well, baby... Honestly, I've fallen more in love with you! I know you're waiting for me. AND for you, Love, I'd climb mountains, swim oceans, jump canyons, and endure decades of life with out you if it means I get forever with you!! YOU, my love, are worth all of this and more! And for those who think different... well... they've never had a taste of your lips : D I remember from the very beginning of all of this... I said during a rare calm between the tears, "I can do this... If it means David's at the end of it, then I can do it." I stick to those words, David Hart. Know this, David, that even when darkness seems to cover all light, when a smile can no longer be forced upon my face, when a laugh make me sick to my stomach, or when tears wont stop flooding a room... I think it all worth it! I am your ambassador now... I want to be the best one I can be! We're still a team, lovelove... You and me! ; )

Until I meet my finish line... We have my dreams!

Kiss Kiss!!

.......... told you... all thoughts lead to David...

Second state of Conciousness

2008-07-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

So... Rough night last night! MAN! A single picture of David knocked me to the floor! It was a still image from a video of the back of David. JUST THE BACK OF HIM! And the "great sadness" surrounded me. I was just trying to hear his voice. I've watched that video a million times! But that single image... there are no words to describe what hit me at that moment. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I felt like a child in the middle of a tantrum. I couldn't help it. I had to get up because I couldn't breathe laying down, yet I couldn't get up. Pain was throughout my body... I realize now, I got into a fetal position merely because there's no specific part of your body to grab... No part that hurts more then the other... It all hurt. I wanted to die. I wanted David. For the longest time the only word that could come out of my mouth was "David." I said it over and over. I must have looked insane! If someone caught me like that, I'm sure they would've considered a loony bin! But finally, words came out... I started to beg... plead... and beg some more... To David. "Please, David, please talk to me. Please if there's any way, Love, then come. Let me remember it! Please... Please... Please... " I've never actually asked David this... not really. I've asked God but not David. I thought I'd be selfish to ask him to visit me... to leave heaven if only for a second just for me. So I hadn't until last night.
Eventually, I calmed down a bit. I don't know how. Slowly, I got up, blew my nose and began finding music for him. I had to do something involving him, anything. I cried throughout the night listening to his music and looking at his pictures until the sun came up. At about 7:30am I guess I fell asleep. The next moment I felt conscious, I was lying face down on my bed. I felt a body behind me. I got so scared! I gasped and threw my hands behind me to feel what it was. I felt thighs. David's thighs. In a split second I turned around to see him. David was right before me. "Hi, baby..." He said and smiled. He was so calm... and I was in disbelief! "David" was all I said. He leaned down, held my face and kissed me... gently... slowly. It was the kind of kiss where our lips feel like clouds... Our favorite. I remember touching his shoulders and his face as he kissed me and realizing this wasn't a dream. I've had those. This was more... it was real. It was really him, and I didn't have much time. I wanted to say so much but couldn't. He gently lowered himself to lay beside me... Holding me, touching me the entire time. Our eyes never looked away from each others. I thought if I said something it'll all disappear. I laid on top of him like I usually do... My upper body on his chest and my legs wrapped around his right leg. Both of his arms held me tight. Finally, I asked, " David, are you OK?" I don't know why that was the question that came out of my mouth but it was. He made this "content" noise that I had forgotten he made... I can't mimic this sound even if I tried it's not the same. But he made that sound then said, "I'm alright, Love" exactly how he always said it. Again, it was like a light bulb when off in me... it's like... "OH YEAH! THAT'S how you'd say that..." kind of a thing. I was in awe. I don't remember either of us saying anything else. I know I felt his chest and shoulders some more and kissed him two more times. Then I felt him going away. In my head I pleaded with myself... "Don't wake up. Please, Nicole, don't wake up" I felt as if I was being pulled up and away from him. I don't remember him actually leaving or me actually being pulled away... I only remember the intense feeling of it. The next moment I can recall is waking up and looking at the clock... 8:03am. I didn't immediately remember being with David... I woke up, called a friend really quick then just laid there. All of a sudden, a huge wave of memory crashed upon me. I remembered! I remembered details... everything... well enough anyway. Enough to know it actually happened. Enough to know it was real.
I quickly reached across my bed to grab my journal and a pen. I began writing but soon got frustrated because I couldn't write fast enough. I felt like it had to be said or written NOW from beginning to end or I'd lose it all. So I called a a fellow widow, told her everything... talking to her, I knew I wasn't crazy. It was David. I asked her why I didn't say more! Why didn't I tell him I love him! Or tell him how much it hurt. She said, the dream was US. She's right. Being in each others arms on our bed was our FAVORITE! How could I forget??? There's always so much in me that I want to say... to explain... but around David I wouldn't really have to say much. Somehow he always knew what was wrong. And knew my bottom line... I just want him. It was the solution to most, if not all, my tantrums. He knew. I just wanted him. The more details I remembered the more confidence I began to feel.
It was you, Love. The more I think about the dream, the more I smile, and the more I know. What a precious gift!! I don't know if I'll ever get anything like it again... but I'm so grateful I got it at all. I wish I never woke up... Oh well. Its mine to remember forever!
I love you, David Hart! I am sooo crazy in love with you! Visit me anytime, LoveLove! I'm yours completely... eternally.

A LOVE ETERNAL IS OURS ; )

Kiss Kiss, LoveLove!

I AM HART

2008-07-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

I weep deeply when I read about my husband... When I read about how he touched someone; made them feel special. I don't know if it's because I feel loss, or I'm proud... or I'm just in disbelief. I think it's a combination of it all. I'm so lucky to have him. He's MY husband! DAVID HART is my husband! Wow. What did I do in life to deserve someone so amazing? I'm in awe of who he is, I always have been. How can someone so special love ME so desperatly? David has left me with so much... His love, strength, memories... and his name. I AM HART. His Hart.

Normal? Not so much.

2008-07-21T00:21:00.000-07:00

Normal?? HA! Normal is of the past. We hadn't been normal since... well, David's never been a normal kid. Me? I was last normal... I'd say at about 12 years old. Haha Then I meet David. ; ) David traveled the world before he turned 18... He had seen and experienced things men of 60 years hadn't! "An old soul" would best describe the experienced part of David. Stories! Stories! Stories! The man had so many stories! We meet when were were 12 years old. At 22 years old I was still hearing stories from David's adventures for the first time, but some I had heard more times then I could count. Still... I loved hearing him tell them! Wisdom just poured out of David. He was my rock as a teenager... Someone I always trusted... Someone who'd always look out for me, protect me. My mother would allow me to go off with my friends only if David was coming too... She thought if he went I'd be safe. She knew best : ) David was always the fastest, biggest, and strongest. He is my very best friend and the best part of me. To go back to NORMAL after knowing David would be a waste. Normal was not us. Normal is not me.

I am David's widow... and proud to be : )

Widows and Me

2008-07-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

I'm in Austin. It's a bit surreal that I'm here! Mostly because of the reasons why I'm here. I'm a widow. Holy Crap! It's hard to believe this is actually happening... I'm in a house with a group of widows. Wow... it's official, I guess.

Oh well... For you, Baby, I'll be anything...

; )

I love my David! ..."Crazy Sauce" haha (inside joke)

-David's Widow

3rd Anniversary

2008-07-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVE!!!

Your love is sweeter than wine...

Your love is better than life!

I know you're watching me today. Well, watch away, LoveLove! I'm all yours!!

No secrets! "No crevice you haven't already seen."

AH! If only I could touch you!! I'd wait a 100 years to touch you, David!

You, My Love, are worth the wait!

My love for you, David, is much Stronger than Death itself!

It knows NO FEAR! NO BOUNDRIES!

I can't wait for my finish line...

Until then... We have our dreams ; )

Happy Anniversary!

KISS KISS!!

Apart from you...

2008-06-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

I feel full and empty at the same time. You love is filling but, Baby, your absence...
You were right though... Our lives lived together is stronger then our lives led alone. Apart from you, David, I am nothing. Good thing I'll never really be apart from you! I can't touch you but I'm not apart from you. You love me? You do. You love me : )

Our love is stronger than death!

...And so, I am Loved.

I AM FILLED WITH YOUR LOVE, MR. HART!

He Loves Me!

2008-06-13T01:20:00.000-07:00

Fighting against society for who you are is exhausting!! I'd love for them to see me the way I see myself without having to plead my case! I want to be naturally accepted by society. Wishful thinking, I know! Why does it matter to me?! I am Nicole Brittany Hart, wife of Sgt. David Joseph Hart. WIFE. Widow? Fine. But single? HELL NO! My love for David doesn't stop because he continues somewhere else... No, it just continues to grow. My heart continues to burn. I don't expect anyone to relate but at least let me be. I long for his intimacy, his loving gaze, his hushed voice, and his bold presence. With all the confidence in me I say, DAVID LOVES ME. Not a moment was taken for granted, not a kiss went unappreciated, no argument was left unsettled, and every tear wiped away. Unconditional, uncontainable, passionate, exciting, and rejuvenating is his love! For as long as David loves me, I love David.

Kiss Kiss, My Love!!

#5

2008-06-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's cruel how life goes on without David! I despise it! A moment without David seems hopeless- let alone, hours, days, night, weeks, months... years.

5 months?! Are you kidding me???!! How much more can i take? I hurt so deep inside. Crying harder and harder does nothing. It certainly doesn't bring him back or me closer to him. But it feels like it should. I hate the 8th!

My Love? I miss you. Will you come be next to me? I get a weird feeling looking at your pictures... It's like I almost expect it to come alive, but it never does. I love you, David Hart.

*SIGH* You taught me so much! My foot goes in front of the other because yours always did too. Your love gives me strength. For you, My Love, I would do anything!!

Going On

2008-05-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

My Love, I go on because I love you. I guess I've been cursed with strength. Strength to endure this pain. I don't desire it. "Getting through" this isn't what I want to do. Giving up sounds gracious to me! But I do go on because I LOVE YOU. Your love is with me... You said so : ) And we both know... You're always right! ; D I love you, hot stuff!

Perfection!

2008-05-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

He is perfect. Perfect features... breath-taking blue eyes, gorgeous smile, adorable button nose, beautiful lips... perfect body... His courage has no end. His strength?? UNMATCHABLE! His LOVE... everlasting!! PERFECTION! I want him. Every bit of him... His arms were so warm, his voice so comforting. He protected me, romanced me, loved me above all... and loved God. My body aches for this perfect man I call my own. I'm scared; scared of the present and even more scared of the future. I'm in the absence of his perfection... it's cold and lonely without it.

baby!baby! I love you ; )

Great Saddness

2008-03-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

GOD!!! LET ME OUT!! LET ME OUT OF THIS SHELL!! This stupid shell that was once my body... Now it only holds me captive. I'm trapped. Stuck. I feel surrounded by the "Great Saddness." How does one get past disbelief? I'm not sure I want to. The thought of being used to David's absence discusts me! It literally makes me sick.

I dont know why the car always ends up being the perfect place to have a melt down... But it is. I let it all out in the car today. I pulled over and screamed for the first time since January 8th. It's hard to put to words but I didn't scream at the top of my lungs... it was more a scream from the bottom of my heart. It felt good. Nothing was resolved or accoplished by it but it's what I feel like doing 24 hours a day so to actually let it out was nice.

I love you, Baby...

The Airport and My Heart

2008-03-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

In the LAX airport.. going to Philadelphia for my first appointment. I miss David so much. My stomach hurts. I'm just sick at the thought of him being gone.

Lord, I know you don't take pleasure in inflicting pain... but I'm feeling completely engulfed in it right now. Where are you? Come near me... I want to feel you as David does now. I want to know you as David did here on earth. I want to walk with you as close as he did.

J said last night that our time here on earth is preparation of our going to heaven. I want to keep that mentality. PREPARATION. I can do that. Prepare. Prepare to see you and David. My ultimate LOVES! David would always say that you loved me "so very much." I'm trying desperately to hold on to that because you feel so far away right now. What do I have left to lose? Why can't I trust you if i have nothing to lose? What do I fear? I fear LIFE itself I suppose. I fear you'll leave me here. I fear a long lonely life without my husband. Trust you or not, life still sucks! I don't want a normal life if life is what I must have! I want to honor David. Please... there must be something. Something big. Why else would you leave me here??

It hurts. My heart doesn't recognize this pain... Pain is now my heart's constant companion. David and I were one. ONE! What am I now? Two? A half? Not whole! I can't be whole. I don't feel whole. I want no one else to comfort my heart. David owns this heart... this heart you've created. So only you would I let in it.

I hate sleep

2008-03-15T02:24:00.000-07:00

Sleep... I HATE SLEEP. To sleep means to wake up to a new day! A new day is my nightmare! I miss you, David. I can't wait to feel your face, your lips, your embrace... I wish to dream of you tonight!! I love you... I'll love you forever. Because LOVE IS STRONGER THAN DEATH! Just like you said. : D

Night Night, Love Love.

I can NOT look to the FUTURE of THIS LIFE,

the thoguht is just TOO PAINFUL.

TODAY is all that has been placed before me.

Only TODAY.

My Love

2008-03-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

MY LOVE! I miss you. What can I say, My Love, but I miss you. I can't believe this has happened to us. I'm numb to the fact that I haven't heard your voice. It sounds silly, but i feel like I've become stupid. I can't do anything for myself. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to eat, sleep, laugh, cry, talk... no one challenges me in conversation like you do anyway. My Love... never would we have thought that this would be us. I regret NOTHING! Nothing about us do I regret! YOU are my deepest JOY! How perfect you are, My Love!

I remembered tonight, the evening I started down the stairway in our home and out of no where, began to weep. I wept so desperately all of a sudden. The wave of emotion that crashed upon me at that moment took me completely off guard. But you rushed to me... as smooth and as quickly as wind would blow upon my face. I didn't even hear you make your way to me... but in a moment you embraced me completely. I was enveloped by your love. "I'm right here," you said. You knew why I was crying... you didn't even ask. You knew I had already begun to miss you before you had even left. You know me better then I know myself. How, My Love, will I manage without you?! How can I possibly go on? Why?! Why must I? I'm still so angry. Why us? Why you?

My crying has increased. i cry longer. I cry harder. How do I do this, Love? I miss you so much.

Kiss Kiss, Love Love

Goodnight.

Pure Love

2008-02-03T22:51:00.000-08:00

Today, while in the car I remembered when David and I were at BABR. We were the youngest staff members. It was right around the time we began to realize how strong our love was for each other.
Hans drove David, myself, and Jo-Jo down to BABR... For almost the entire drive from Cali to New Mexico, David and I held hands... Well, fingers, really. He was in the front seat, Jo-Jo and I were in the back. David had to squeeze his hand in between the seat and the door to try to reach my hand. My fingers were all he could grab hold of though. It was enough : ) Enough to make butterflies dance in my stomach! Just touching his fingers made me fall in love even more!! By the time we arrived David's hand was stiff... it had cramped up for so long it had become stuck! It was all so innocent... so pure! I loved him and he loved me... even then!

You still make butterflies dance in my stomach, My Love! Just re-living the memory in my head gave me butterflies... I love you, David Hart.

Heaven

2008-02-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

I don't understand. In the book 50 Days of Heaven, it says we'll complete dreams on the "New Earth." Such as, building the boat you always dreamed of building. Ultimately, it would be taking pleasure in God himself because God is pleasure... he created it. So, taking pleasure in something "secondary" would be taking pleasure in him. SOOO why wouldn't making love to my husband or indulging in his kisses be a secondary pleasure we're allowed to take part in???? This book says we could build boats, eat delicious food, or sing BUT no marriage. WTF??!! Are we only allowed non-intimate pleasures?? We're able to be mothers and fathers in heaven but not lovers?! Makes NO sense to me! This doesn't sound like God to me. Why would he end the most beautiful and purest of his creation? Love. Love... self-less love has no end. In the garden of Eden, man and woman made love and worshiped God. Together! Together, they walked and talked with God. I hate the book. I want David.

I want you. All of you, My Love.

An Awakening

2008-01-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

I haven't woken up next to David in four months now... Every morning feels a bit more devastating then the last. I have a picture of us by my bed... pretty much right next to my head. It's a picture of us at the YWAM base... it was his farewell party before he left for Iraq. I love the picture. It's US. No sparkling lights, moons, or stars... just US. I can't stop looking at it. I wonder when it's going to sink in. I never imagined myself with out David. Sounds so cliche, I know!

I had a rude awakening today. I can't count on anyone! I shouldn't. David is the only person who wouldn't let me down, because he thought about me before himself. He's the most self-less person I know. Depending on anyone else just wouldn't be fair... to them... or to me. I miss David. I miss his strength. I miss hearing his voice. I never took his words lightly. That's why he could make me laugh so hard and cry so deeply. When he spoke, all the loud thoughts in my head would come to a whisper so I could take in what he'd have to say. I love discussing things with him! God, work, friends, our future, our kids...The Hills and Flavor of Love ; ) ... ANYTHING! I love asking him questions! David is the only one who would be able to make sense out of all of this for me. He is my best friend. God, help me.

Please Wake Up!

2008-01-20T22:46:00.000-08:00

It's been twelve days since David's death. Wow.... I can't believe I just said that... "David's Death." It doesn't seem real! I can't fully grasp all this... the idea of David being gone. It's been almost three days since I've last had a good cry. Is something wrong with me? This is all sooo impossible!! David isn't here?! How can I survive without MY LOVE? It has to be a dream.