Apart from you...

I feel full and empty at the same time. You love is filling but, Baby, your absence...
You were right though... Our lives lived together is stronger then our lives led alone. Apart from you, David, I am nothing. Good thing I'll never really be apart from you! I can't touch you but I'm not apart from you. You love me? You do. You love me : )

Our love is stronger than death!

...And so, I am Loved.

I AM FILLED WITH YOUR LOVE, MR. HART!

He Loves Me!

Fighting against society for who you are is exhausting!! I'd love for them to see me the way I see myself without having to plead my case! I want to be naturally accepted by society. Wishful thinking, I know! Why does it matter to me?! I am Nicole Brittany Hart, wife of Sgt. David Joseph Hart. WIFE. Widow? Fine. But single? HELL NO! My love for David doesn't stop because he continues somewhere else... No, it just continues to grow. My heart continues to burn. I don't expect anyone to relate but at least let me be. I long for his intimacy, his loving gaze, his hushed voice, and his bold presence. With all the confidence in me I say, DAVID LOVES ME. Not a moment was taken for granted, not a kiss went unappreciated, no argument was left unsettled, and every tear wiped away. Unconditional, uncontainable, passionate, exciting, and rejuvenating is his love! For as long as David loves me, I love David.

Kiss Kiss, My Love!!

#5

It's cruel how life goes on without David! I despise it! A moment without David seems hopeless- let alone, hours, days, night, weeks, months... years.

5 months?! Are you kidding me???!! How much more can i take? I hurt so deep inside. Crying harder and harder does nothing. It certainly doesn't bring him back or me closer to him. But it feels like it should. I hate the 8th!

My Love? I miss you. Will you come be next to me? I get a weird feeling looking at your pictures... It's like I almost expect it to come alive, but it never does. I love you, David Hart.

*SIGH* You taught me so much! My foot goes in front of the other because yours always did too. Your love gives me strength. For you, My Love, I would do anything!!

Going On

My Love, I go on because I love you. I guess I've been cursed with strength. Strength to endure this pain. I don't desire it. "Getting through" this isn't what I want to do. Giving up sounds gracious to me! But I do go on because I LOVE YOU. Your love is with me... You said so : ) And we both know... You're always right! ; D I love you, hot stuff!

Perfection!

He is perfect. Perfect features... breath-taking blue eyes, gorgeous smile, adorable button nose, beautiful lips... perfect body... His courage has no end. His strength?? UNMATCHABLE! His LOVE... everlasting!! PERFECTION! I want him. Every bit of him... His arms were so warm, his voice so comforting. He protected me, romanced me, loved me above all... and loved God. My body aches for this perfect man I call my own. I'm scared; scared of the present and even more scared of the future. I'm in the absence of his perfection... it's cold and lonely without it.

baby!baby! I love you ; )

Great Saddness

GOD!!! LET ME OUT!! LET ME OUT OF THIS SHELL!! This stupid shell that was once my body... Now it only holds me captive. I'm trapped. Stuck. I feel surrounded by the "Great Saddness." How does one get past disbelief? I'm not sure I want to. The thought of being used to David's absence discusts me! It literally makes me sick.

I dont know why the car always ends up being the perfect place to have a melt down... But it is. I let it all out in the car today. I pulled over and screamed for the first time since January 8th. It's hard to put to words but I didn't scream at the top of my lungs... it was more a scream from the bottom of my heart. It felt good. Nothing was resolved or accoplished by it but it's what I feel like doing 24 hours a day so to actually let it out was nice.

I love you, Baby...

The Airport and My Heart

In the LAX airport.. going to Philadelphia for my first appointment. I miss David so much. My stomach hurts. I'm just sick at the thought of him being gone.

Lord, I know you don't take pleasure in inflicting pain... but I'm feeling completely engulfed in it right now. Where are you? Come near me... I want to feel you as David does now. I want to know you as David did here on earth. I want to walk with you as close as he did.

J said last night that our time here on earth is preparation of our going to heaven. I want to keep that mentality. PREPARATION. I can do that. Prepare. Prepare to see you and David. My ultimate LOVES! David would always say that you loved me "so very much." I'm trying desperately to hold on to that because you feel so far away right now. What do I have left to lose? Why can't I trust you if i have nothing to lose? What do I fear? I fear LIFE itself I suppose. I fear you'll leave me here. I fear a long lonely life without my husband. Trust you or not, life still sucks! I don't want a normal life if life is what I must have! I want to honor David. Please... there must be something. Something big. Why else would you leave me here??

It hurts. My heart doesn't recognize this pain... Pain is now my heart's constant companion. David and I were one. ONE! What am I now? Two? A half? Not whole! I can't be whole. I don't feel whole. I want no one else to comfort my heart. David owns this heart... this heart you've created. So only you would I let in it.

I hate sleep

Sleep... I HATE SLEEP. To sleep means to wake up to a new day! A new day is my nightmare! I miss you, David. I can't wait to feel your face, your lips, your embrace... I wish to dream of you tonight!! I love you... I'll love you forever. Because LOVE IS STRONGER THAN DEATH! Just like you said. : D

Night Night, Love Love.

I can NOT look to the FUTURE of THIS LIFE,

the thoguht is just TOO PAINFUL.

TODAY is all that has been placed before me.

Only TODAY.