Not Just A Memory

I can't stop thinking about David. Not that I actually try. It's more like he is ALL I think about. Today, his smile seems most clear... his big, white, gorgeous smile!! If he smiled you HAD to as well! It's been more then 7 months... 7 months and 13 days! Weird. I'm incomplete. I am with out legs... but still I am living. I wonder how long I'm to live this life.. 5 years? 8? 10? 20? I don't know. I can only hope I don't live long enough to forget. If I think for too long about how much I feel like I'm forgetting, I panic. I fear that one day there will be nothing REAL left of David in my memory... only my imagination. I would have never thought that we'd end up with only memories. Sometimes i feel as though all I have is memories, but soon after I realize... He is here with me. I can not allow his passing to be just a memory. JUST A MEMORY is NOT enough. David is more. Even with my waves of emotions... my anger, need, desperation, and tantrums... I want to be used. I know God didn't bring us together for only memories. How pointless... where would hope be?No. We were brought together for more... Like David, I too believe there is something bigger to life then me... bigger then us.... bigger then life itself.

I wish so much David was here with me. I wish so desperately that we could have dived down into the ocean together... He loves the water!!! Just being near an ocean or water made him happy. I wish I swam with him more often... but I didn't know how to swim :) I was thinking... If heaven's "earth" is filled with pleasures... swimming would be one of David's. I can't wait. I can't wait to watch him enjoy it... to swim with him too! One of my first dreams, maybe it was even my very first dream, of David after his death was of me and him in a beautiful ocean. The scene was tropical... There were trees and plants of shapes and color that I had never seen before. The water was so clear and blue. The beauty of the scene just seem so beyond my imagination. David was holding my hand underwater. As we came out of the water music was playing... there was a feeling of FUN that surrounded us. We were laughing and smiling!! SOOOO IN LOVE! : ) His hands were on my hips and I remember moving to the rhythm of the drums that were playing... teaching him a dance of some kind. (He always wanted me to teach him "dance") haha. I don't know why I just went off on that dream. But it reminds me of this place- Bonaire.

I wish he was here. I wish I could see his reaction to this place... his excitement. I've said this before, of course, but I miss my husband. I miss standing by his side and holding his hand. I miss sitting on his lap or kissing his neck. I miss hearing his laugh! Or watching him with his friends... watching him make new ones out of strangers. I wish I could sneak up behind his and wrap my arms around him! I want to touch his face!!! And kiss his lips!!! I want to look into his eyes and, without saying one word, tell him I'm madly in love with him. I miss discussing things with him. Repeating a conversation I just had with someone to him... and hearing his. I miss being able to say "My husband is right over there... "

It's not easy meeting new people and feeling like there's a big crater in your soul that everyone should be able to see but can't. This is why I describe it as losing my legs. I fell like I have a visible disability. I can see it. I can feel it every freaking moment of every flipping day. My life isn't over but changed forever. Why can't they tell that the best part of me is no longer walking earth along side me. Can't they see that there was more to me? Can't they see my ring??? Still, I don't know what to say... should I tell them my husband is dead... should I lie? How much do I let them know? Do they deserve to know? Will they understand? And do I care? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I wish my disability was truly visible to all... sometimes I'm grateful that it's not.

Still... my legs are lost. A man's lost legs are not just a memory... A man will never forget what it was like to have his legs, they are a physical part of them that are no longer there... forever they will be HIS legs. David is my pair of legs. He is not a memory... I will not let him be... David is forever a physical part of me... I will never forget what it was like to have my legs. This life is so lonely. But one day... I will be whole again : )