The Last of the Physical

I can't fall asleep... I didn't know why until just now. Today's the day I've been dreading all month and somehow it just caught me off guard. At this time last year, I let David go for the last time. I stared at every freckle on his face, hugged him tight,kissed him softly... and tried frantically to memorize it all! After getting me into the car, he smiled as he said "I love you," and began to walk away... as I sat in my car I said to myself, "Don't look back." Of course, I looked back to see him walk away with his IBA and ruck-sack in one hand and his laptop case in the other. He never turned around. This was our second time in this position as it was his second tour. He described deployment day like this: "It's like there's a train already in route and moving fast. You can ignore it while you're not on it but when it calls and it's time to get on... you have a job to do. The train doesn't stop for you... It doesn't allow you to look back. But it's because of you that I can get on." Again, I watched him get on that train.

The morning of September 19, 2007... I watched him sleep for the last time... in my head I was begging him to wake up but didn't have the heart to wake him up myself. It's our last day together! I felt really strong and happy though! I wanted to make sure it was a good day. Finally, he woke up and like always we took our shower together- our last shower. After packing up our blankets we went to get our usual... Starbucks. We ran a couple errands,one being Best Buy to get him a laptop case. David liked backpacks, rucksacks, boxes or shelves (things of a organizing nature) so we enjoyed this errand! We might of had lunch at Longhorn Steakhouse, but it's hard to remember. I don't remember the early evening too well... but we packed up the last bit of the house together and at some point David wanted to buy me a jacket since he made me give all my zip-up hoodies to the salvation army! *(I had a lot)* We drove to the mall and he picked out a jacket and sweater that I had been eyeing. We got some ice cream and headed home. At this point it was dark and our time was counting down. At 2400 hours he had to be at the company. I don't recall what we did at home initially... but at some point there was nothing left on the To-Do list in our heads... His uniform was laid out, his boots by the door, and his bags in the car... It was just us.

We decided to lay on the floor. Our entire home was packed up and in storage... so we set an alarm and relaxed by the stairway near the door. We just talked, kissed and held each other... We tried expressing how much we love the other but words never did it justice. Time for him to get ready was nearing... As his body shifted over mine, he embraced me with his arm under my back and the other hand under my head. He just held me like this- so delicately and kissed me. I remember thinking "This is just like that memory verse in Song of Songs." We kissed some more... soft but distinctive... Each kiss had it's purpose- attempting to convey just how much love we had for each other in that moment. My heart was overwhelmed with love for him! I felt as though we were melting further into each other... Our spiritual connection pulsing and growing stronger.

In that moment, as his lips briefly left mine, against my will a single tear fell down my face. I did not want to cry! But my love... my love for him took over. My heart was dancing and breaking at the same time. My mind, for only a split second, remembered- soon, I'd have to let him go. Quickly, I shoved the negative thought back into the dark. But as the first tear fell, another followed and then another. Not a single sound came from me. In attempt to hold back the flood of tears that fearlessly threatened to burst out, I kept my eyes closed... also hoping he hadn't seen. But of course he did. I felt him look at me. He always thought I "looked beautiful" when I cried, "like an angel," He would say when I was done crying. He knew if he said it while I cried I'd get embarrassed and might hide my face. He didn't say it this time, but I knew he was thinking it. I wasn't embarrassed. Lovingly, he held me, watched me, and with his thumb wiped away a few tears.

"Baby..." He said, broken hearted, bringing my head to his chest. I cried a bit more and held each other as though we couldn't be close enough. He leaned his head on mine and stroked my hair. I was so precious to him. He held me like I was rare treasure in his hands! I didn't feel like porcelain or glass, like some might chose to describe it- the opposite actually. I felt precious and delicate, yet strong and absolutely UNbreakable! Never have I felt fragile while in his arms... Nothing can harm me there. Again, I felt the pulse from our love. Few words were said, they didn't need to be, our love spoke volumes! He kissed my tear-soaked lips a few more times before the alarm went off. It was time to go.

David and I are bonded together and our bond has not an ounce of anything man-made in it! We are bonded together by the Spirit. We always felt it, even as teenagers, but lacked the words to describe it. Still words fail me. But our bond has only ever increased in its strength and durability! David never had to be present in order for his love to be felt like the night of the 19th. When separated, one of us would begin to describe how much we loved the the other... the reply would always be, "I know, Baby... I feel it!" So now when I say "I feel his love," know that it's said by my soul. "I feel it!" I may not be able to be held, kissed, or touched by David... He's not able to place an arm under my back and a hand under my head... His thumb can no longer wipe away my tears. BUT his LOVE can reach me!! His love provokes, strengthens and inspires me! Our love IS that "pulse" and it has NO concept of death.
So as I lay here and think of our last physical moments together, I cry... I cry not because of loss... but because of LOVE. TRUE LOVE. ETERNAL LOVE.
OUR LOVE.
I feel strong! For, as long as David loves me, I am entirely his!

"I know, David... I feel it!!"

"Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me." Song of Songs 2:5-6