GOD!!! LET ME OUT!! LET ME OUT OF THIS SHELL!! This stupid shell that was once my body... Now it only holds me captive. I'm trapped. Stuck. I feel surrounded by the "Great Saddness." How does one get past disbelief? I'm not sure I want to. The thought of being used to David's absence discusts me! It literally makes me sick.
I dont know why the car always ends up being the perfect place to have a melt down... But it is. I let it all out in the car today. I pulled over and screamed for the first time since January 8th. It's hard to put to words but I didn't scream at the top of my lungs... it was more a scream from the bottom of my heart. It felt good. Nothing was resolved or accoplished by it but it's what I feel like doing 24 hours a day so to actually let it out was nice.
I love you, Baby...
Monday, March 24, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
The Airport and My Heart
In the LAX airport.. going to Philadelphia for my first appointment. I miss David so much. My stomach hurts. I'm just sick at the thought of him being gone.
Lord, I know you don't take pleasure in inflicting pain... but I'm feeling completely engulfed in it right now. Where are you? Come near me... I want to feel you as David does now. I want to know you as David did here on earth. I want to walk with you as close as he did.
J said last night that our time here on earth is preparation of our going to heaven. I want to keep that mentality. PREPARATION. I can do that. Prepare. Prepare to see you and David. My ultimate LOVES! David would always say that you loved me "so very much." I'm trying desperately to hold on to that because you feel so far away right now. What do I have left to lose? Why can't I trust you if i have nothing to lose? What do I fear? I fear LIFE itself I suppose. I fear you'll leave me here. I fear a long lonely life without my husband. Trust you or not, life still sucks! I don't want a normal life if life is what I must have! I want to honor David. Please... there must be something. Something big. Why else would you leave me here??
It hurts. My heart doesn't recognize this pain... Pain is now my heart's constant companion. David and I were one. ONE! What am I now? Two? A half? Not whole! I can't be whole. I don't feel whole. I want no one else to comfort my heart. David owns this heart... this heart you've created. So only you would I let in it.
Lord, I know you don't take pleasure in inflicting pain... but I'm feeling completely engulfed in it right now. Where are you? Come near me... I want to feel you as David does now. I want to know you as David did here on earth. I want to walk with you as close as he did.
J said last night that our time here on earth is preparation of our going to heaven. I want to keep that mentality. PREPARATION. I can do that. Prepare. Prepare to see you and David. My ultimate LOVES! David would always say that you loved me "so very much." I'm trying desperately to hold on to that because you feel so far away right now. What do I have left to lose? Why can't I trust you if i have nothing to lose? What do I fear? I fear LIFE itself I suppose. I fear you'll leave me here. I fear a long lonely life without my husband. Trust you or not, life still sucks! I don't want a normal life if life is what I must have! I want to honor David. Please... there must be something. Something big. Why else would you leave me here??
It hurts. My heart doesn't recognize this pain... Pain is now my heart's constant companion. David and I were one. ONE! What am I now? Two? A half? Not whole! I can't be whole. I don't feel whole. I want no one else to comfort my heart. David owns this heart... this heart you've created. So only you would I let in it.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I hate sleep
Sleep... I HATE SLEEP. To sleep means to wake up to a new day! A new day is my nightmare! I miss you, David. I can't wait to feel your face, your lips, your embrace... I wish to dream of you tonight!! I love you... I'll love you forever. Because LOVE IS STRONGER THAN DEATH! Just like you said. : D
Night Night, Love Love.
Night Night, Love Love.
I can NOT look to the FUTURE of THIS LIFE,
the thoguht is just TOO PAINFUL.
TODAY is all that has been placed before me.
Only TODAY.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
My Love
MY LOVE! I miss you. What can I say, My Love, but I miss you. I can't believe this has happened to us. I'm numb to the fact that I haven't heard your voice. It sounds silly, but i feel like I've become stupid. I can't do anything for myself. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to eat, sleep, laugh, cry, talk... no one challenges me in conversation like you do anyway. My Love... never would we have thought that this would be us. I regret NOTHING! Nothing about us do I regret! YOU are my deepest JOY! How perfect you are, My Love!
I remembered tonight, the evening I started down the stairway in our home and out of no where, began to weep. I wept so desperately all of a sudden. The wave of emotion that crashed upon me at that moment took me completely off guard. But you rushed to me... as smooth and as quickly as wind would blow upon my face. I didn't even hear you make your way to me... but in a moment you embraced me completely. I was enveloped by your love. "I'm right here," you said. You knew why I was crying... you didn't even ask. You knew I had already begun to miss you before you had even left. You know me better then I know myself. How, My Love, will I manage without you?! How can I possibly go on? Why?! Why must I? I'm still so angry. Why us? Why you?
My crying has increased. i cry longer. I cry harder. How do I do this, Love? I miss you so much.
Kiss Kiss, Love Love
Goodnight.
I remembered tonight, the evening I started down the stairway in our home and out of no where, began to weep. I wept so desperately all of a sudden. The wave of emotion that crashed upon me at that moment took me completely off guard. But you rushed to me... as smooth and as quickly as wind would blow upon my face. I didn't even hear you make your way to me... but in a moment you embraced me completely. I was enveloped by your love. "I'm right here," you said. You knew why I was crying... you didn't even ask. You knew I had already begun to miss you before you had even left. You know me better then I know myself. How, My Love, will I manage without you?! How can I possibly go on? Why?! Why must I? I'm still so angry. Why us? Why you?
My crying has increased. i cry longer. I cry harder. How do I do this, Love? I miss you so much.
Kiss Kiss, Love Love
Goodnight.
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