Great Saddness

GOD!!! LET ME OUT!! LET ME OUT OF THIS SHELL!! This stupid shell that was once my body... Now it only holds me captive. I'm trapped. Stuck. I feel surrounded by the "Great Saddness." How does one get past disbelief? I'm not sure I want to. The thought of being used to David's absence discusts me! It literally makes me sick.

I dont know why the car always ends up being the perfect place to have a melt down... But it is. I let it all out in the car today. I pulled over and screamed for the first time since January 8th. It's hard to put to words but I didn't scream at the top of my lungs... it was more a scream from the bottom of my heart. It felt good. Nothing was resolved or accoplished by it but it's what I feel like doing 24 hours a day so to actually let it out was nice.

I love you, Baby...