The Airport and My Heart

In the LAX airport.. going to Philadelphia for my first appointment. I miss David so much. My stomach hurts. I'm just sick at the thought of him being gone.

Lord, I know you don't take pleasure in inflicting pain... but I'm feeling completely engulfed in it right now. Where are you? Come near me... I want to feel you as David does now. I want to know you as David did here on earth. I want to walk with you as close as he did.

J said last night that our time here on earth is preparation of our going to heaven. I want to keep that mentality. PREPARATION. I can do that. Prepare. Prepare to see you and David. My ultimate LOVES! David would always say that you loved me "so very much." I'm trying desperately to hold on to that because you feel so far away right now. What do I have left to lose? Why can't I trust you if i have nothing to lose? What do I fear? I fear LIFE itself I suppose. I fear you'll leave me here. I fear a long lonely life without my husband. Trust you or not, life still sucks! I don't want a normal life if life is what I must have! I want to honor David. Please... there must be something. Something big. Why else would you leave me here??

It hurts. My heart doesn't recognize this pain... Pain is now my heart's constant companion. David and I were one. ONE! What am I now? Two? A half? Not whole! I can't be whole. I don't feel whole. I want no one else to comfort my heart. David owns this heart... this heart you've created. So only you would I let in it.