Earthquake!!!

DANG IT!!! ONLY ANOTHER "CLOSE CALL..." *sigh*

So, I was sitting at my desk at work... Missing David. I was reading his emails to me and mine to him... I was thinking of how much I love him and wish I could be with him... and my computer starts shaking. My manager was rolling his chair around to grab a file so I thought it was him. He comes back to his desk, and both our computers start to shake... then the frames... then the walls started making a loud sound... an earthquake. I looked up to the ceiling and saw the lamp swaying back and forth and thought, "Is this it?? I'm gonna get crushed in a building and I get to be with David! Do I move? Do I 'try' to exit the building or just sit and welcome my fate?" And yes, all of that was said in my head haha. You know how you have those "my life flashed before my eyes" moments?? We that was mine. I've had them before January 8th... but it's different now. I no longer think of what I'm leaving behind... only who is waiting for me. I wonder if David was taken by surprise? haha... If he was watching and thought "Yay! Baby! You're coming to me!... Awww man.. never mind..." (His respond would've gone something like that.) Or maybe he sat back with a smile... thinking "Awww... shes so cute... she thinks she's coming to me. It's not time yet, LoveLove..." WHO THE HECK KNOWS! Its fun to think about though.

Well I'm here. Still here. Still at work. Still love David. My time will come : ) Until then I'll still be working on being the best widow of David I could be : )

You would've looooved that earthquake, David! It was a 5.8!

FUN STUFF! ; )

I love you!!!

Kiss Kiss!!

All thoughts lead to David

Seriously, ALL thoughts really do lead to David! ALL THOUGHTS!! If I'm thinking about pancakes, laundry, music, dance, a shower, the park, running, being sick, brown mountains, a gold star, the ocean, vacation... it all leads back to David. Does this eventually stop? I hope NOT! I don't ever want to stop thinking of my Love. He is still the air I breathe, the reason I eventually get up... He is my only sunshine. David is my light at the end of this miserable dark tunnel.



Our love breaks all boundaries. Words are never descriptive enough these days. David and I have spent most of our time separated by many miles... yet we were always falling more in love with each other. We couldn't help it... the distance drew us closer.

Some think I'm wasting my time or not moving on because I'm in love with someone who isn't coming back. But I beg to differ... I think it's a privilege to love and be loved by David. No one feels David like I do. I feel him... I feel his love... it's what keeps me going. It's what put my foot in front of the other.

He had said to me that I was worth going through another 15 months in Iraq...

Well, baby... Honestly, I've fallen more in love with you! I know you're waiting for me. AND for you, Love, I'd climb mountains, swim oceans, jump canyons, and endure decades of life with out you if it means I get forever with you!! YOU, my love, are worth all of this and more! And for those who think different... well... they've never had a taste of your lips : D I remember from the very beginning of all of this... I said during a rare calm between the tears, "I can do this... If it means David's at the end of it, then I can do it." I stick to those words, David Hart. Know this, David, that even when darkness seems to cover all light, when a smile can no longer be forced upon my face, when a laugh make me sick to my stomach, or when tears wont stop flooding a room... I think it all worth it! I am your ambassador now... I want to be the best one I can be! We're still a team, lovelove... You and me! ; )


Until I meet my finish line... We have my dreams!

Kiss Kiss!!


.......... told you... all thoughts lead to David...

Second state of Conciousness

So... Rough night last night! MAN! A single picture of David knocked me to the floor! It was a still image from a video of the back of David. JUST THE BACK OF HIM! And the "great sadness" surrounded me. I was just trying to hear his voice. I've watched that video a million times! But that single image... there are no words to describe what hit me at that moment. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I felt like a child in the middle of a tantrum. I couldn't help it. I had to get up because I couldn't breathe laying down, yet I couldn't get up. Pain was throughout my body... I realize now, I got into a fetal position merely because there's no specific part of your body to grab... No part that hurts more then the other... It all hurt. I wanted to die. I wanted David. For the longest time the only word that could come out of my mouth was "David." I said it over and over. I must have looked insane! If someone caught me like that, I'm sure they would've considered a loony bin! But finally, words came out... I started to beg... plead... and beg some more... To David. "Please, David, please talk to me. Please if there's any way, Love, then come. Let me remember it! Please... Please... Please... " I've never actually asked David this... not really. I've asked God but not David. I thought I'd be selfish to ask him to visit me... to leave heaven if only for a second just for me. So I hadn't until last night.
Eventually, I calmed down a bit. I don't know how. Slowly, I got up, blew my nose and began finding music for him. I had to do something involving him, anything. I cried throughout the night listening to his music and looking at his pictures until the sun came up. At about 7:30am I guess I fell asleep. The next moment I felt conscious, I was lying face down on my bed. I felt a body behind me. I got so scared! I gasped and threw my hands behind me to feel what it was. I felt thighs. David's thighs. In a split second I turned around to see him. David was right before me. "Hi, baby..." He said and smiled. He was so calm... and I was in disbelief! "David" was all I said. He leaned down, held my face and kissed me... gently... slowly. It was the kind of kiss where our lips feel like clouds... Our favorite. I remember touching his shoulders and his face as he kissed me and realizing this wasn't a dream. I've had those. This was more... it was real. It was really him, and I didn't have much time. I wanted to say so much but couldn't. He gently lowered himself to lay beside me... Holding me, touching me the entire time. Our eyes never looked away from each others. I thought if I said something it'll all disappear. I laid on top of him like I usually do... My upper body on his chest and my legs wrapped around his right leg. Both of his arms held me tight. Finally, I asked, " David, are you OK?" I don't know why that was the question that came out of my mouth but it was. He made this "content" noise that I had forgotten he made... I can't mimic this sound even if I tried it's not the same. But he made that sound then said, "I'm alright, Love" exactly how he always said it. Again, it was like a light bulb when off in me... it's like... "OH YEAH! THAT'S how you'd say that..." kind of a thing. I was in awe. I don't remember either of us saying anything else. I know I felt his chest and shoulders some more and kissed him two more times. Then I felt him going away. In my head I pleaded with myself... "Don't wake up. Please, Nicole, don't wake up" I felt as if I was being pulled up and away from him. I don't remember him actually leaving or me actually being pulled away... I only remember the intense feeling of it. The next moment I can recall is waking up and looking at the clock... 8:03am. I didn't immediately remember being with David... I woke up, called a friend really quick then just laid there. All of a sudden, a huge wave of memory crashed upon me. I remembered! I remembered details... everything... well enough anyway. Enough to know it actually happened. Enough to know it was real.
I quickly reached across my bed to grab my journal and a pen. I began writing but soon got frustrated because I couldn't write fast enough. I felt like it had to be said or written NOW from beginning to end or I'd lose it all. So I called a a fellow widow, told her everything... talking to her, I knew I wasn't crazy. It was David. I asked her why I didn't say more! Why didn't I tell him I love him! Or tell him how much it hurt. She said, the dream was US. She's right. Being in each others arms on our bed was our FAVORITE! How could I forget??? There's always so much in me that I want to say... to explain... but around David I wouldn't really have to say much. Somehow he always knew what was wrong. And knew my bottom line... I just want him. It was the solution to most, if not all, my tantrums. He knew. I just wanted him. The more details I remembered the more confidence I began to feel.
It was you, Love. The more I think about the dream, the more I smile, and the more I know. What a precious gift!! I don't know if I'll ever get anything like it again... but I'm so grateful I got it at all. I wish I never woke up... Oh well. Its mine to remember forever!
I love you, David Hart! I am sooo crazy in love with you! Visit me anytime, LoveLove! I'm yours completely... eternally.

A LOVE ETERNAL IS OURS ; )

Kiss Kiss, LoveLove!

I AM HART

I weep deeply when I read about my husband... When I read about how he touched someone; made them feel special. I don't know if it's because I feel loss, or I'm proud... or I'm just in disbelief. I think it's a combination of it all. I'm so lucky to have him. He's MY husband! DAVID HART is my husband! Wow. What did I do in life to deserve someone so amazing? I'm in awe of who he is, I always have been. How can someone so special love ME so desperatly? David has left me with so much... His love, strength, memories... and his name. I AM HART. His Hart.

Normal? Not so much.

Normal?? HA! Normal is of the past. We hadn't been normal since... well, David's never been a normal kid. Me? I was last normal... I'd say at about 12 years old. Haha Then I meet David. ; ) David traveled the world before he turned 18... He had seen and experienced things men of 60 years hadn't! "An old soul" would best describe the experienced part of David. Stories! Stories! Stories! The man had so many stories! We meet when were were 12 years old. At 22 years old I was still hearing stories from David's adventures for the first time, but some I had heard more times then I could count. Still... I loved hearing him tell them! Wisdom just poured out of David. He was my rock as a teenager... Someone I always trusted... Someone who'd always look out for me, protect me. My mother would allow me to go off with my friends only if David was coming too... She thought if he went I'd be safe. She knew best : ) David was always the fastest, biggest, and strongest. He is my very best friend and the best part of me. To go back to NORMAL after knowing David would be a waste. Normal was not us. Normal is not me.

I am David's widow... and proud to be : )

Widows and Me

I'm in Austin. It's a bit surreal that I'm here! Mostly because of the reasons why I'm here. I'm a widow. Holy Crap! It's hard to believe this is actually happening... I'm in a house with a group of widows. Wow... it's official, I guess.

Oh well... For you, Baby, I'll be anything...

; )

I love my David! ..."Crazy Sauce" haha (inside joke)


-David's Widow

3rd Anniversary

HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVE!!!

Your love is sweeter than wine...

Your love is better than life!

I know you're watching me today. Well, watch away, LoveLove! I'm all yours!!

No secrets! "No crevice you haven't already seen."

AH! If only I could touch you!! I'd wait a 100 years to touch you, David!

You, My Love, are worth the wait!

My love for you, David, is much Stronger than Death itself!

It knows NO FEAR! NO BOUNDRIES!

I can't wait for my finish line...

Until then... We have our dreams ; )

Happy Anniversary!

KISS KISS!!