Second state of Conciousness

So... Rough night last night! MAN! A single picture of David knocked me to the floor! It was a still image from a video of the back of David. JUST THE BACK OF HIM! And the "great sadness" surrounded me. I was just trying to hear his voice. I've watched that video a million times! But that single image... there are no words to describe what hit me at that moment. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I felt like a child in the middle of a tantrum. I couldn't help it. I had to get up because I couldn't breathe laying down, yet I couldn't get up. Pain was throughout my body... I realize now, I got into a fetal position merely because there's no specific part of your body to grab... No part that hurts more then the other... It all hurt. I wanted to die. I wanted David. For the longest time the only word that could come out of my mouth was "David." I said it over and over. I must have looked insane! If someone caught me like that, I'm sure they would've considered a loony bin! But finally, words came out... I started to beg... plead... and beg some more... To David. "Please, David, please talk to me. Please if there's any way, Love, then come. Let me remember it! Please... Please... Please... " I've never actually asked David this... not really. I've asked God but not David. I thought I'd be selfish to ask him to visit me... to leave heaven if only for a second just for me. So I hadn't until last night.
Eventually, I calmed down a bit. I don't know how. Slowly, I got up, blew my nose and began finding music for him. I had to do something involving him, anything. I cried throughout the night listening to his music and looking at his pictures until the sun came up. At about 7:30am I guess I fell asleep. The next moment I felt conscious, I was lying face down on my bed. I felt a body behind me. I got so scared! I gasped and threw my hands behind me to feel what it was. I felt thighs. David's thighs. In a split second I turned around to see him. David was right before me. "Hi, baby..." He said and smiled. He was so calm... and I was in disbelief! "David" was all I said. He leaned down, held my face and kissed me... gently... slowly. It was the kind of kiss where our lips feel like clouds... Our favorite. I remember touching his shoulders and his face as he kissed me and realizing this wasn't a dream. I've had those. This was more... it was real. It was really him, and I didn't have much time. I wanted to say so much but couldn't. He gently lowered himself to lay beside me... Holding me, touching me the entire time. Our eyes never looked away from each others. I thought if I said something it'll all disappear. I laid on top of him like I usually do... My upper body on his chest and my legs wrapped around his right leg. Both of his arms held me tight. Finally, I asked, " David, are you OK?" I don't know why that was the question that came out of my mouth but it was. He made this "content" noise that I had forgotten he made... I can't mimic this sound even if I tried it's not the same. But he made that sound then said, "I'm alright, Love" exactly how he always said it. Again, it was like a light bulb when off in me... it's like... "OH YEAH! THAT'S how you'd say that..." kind of a thing. I was in awe. I don't remember either of us saying anything else. I know I felt his chest and shoulders some more and kissed him two more times. Then I felt him going away. In my head I pleaded with myself... "Don't wake up. Please, Nicole, don't wake up" I felt as if I was being pulled up and away from him. I don't remember him actually leaving or me actually being pulled away... I only remember the intense feeling of it. The next moment I can recall is waking up and looking at the clock... 8:03am. I didn't immediately remember being with David... I woke up, called a friend really quick then just laid there. All of a sudden, a huge wave of memory crashed upon me. I remembered! I remembered details... everything... well enough anyway. Enough to know it actually happened. Enough to know it was real.
I quickly reached across my bed to grab my journal and a pen. I began writing but soon got frustrated because I couldn't write fast enough. I felt like it had to be said or written NOW from beginning to end or I'd lose it all. So I called a a fellow widow, told her everything... talking to her, I knew I wasn't crazy. It was David. I asked her why I didn't say more! Why didn't I tell him I love him! Or tell him how much it hurt. She said, the dream was US. She's right. Being in each others arms on our bed was our FAVORITE! How could I forget??? There's always so much in me that I want to say... to explain... but around David I wouldn't really have to say much. Somehow he always knew what was wrong. And knew my bottom line... I just want him. It was the solution to most, if not all, my tantrums. He knew. I just wanted him. The more details I remembered the more confidence I began to feel.
It was you, Love. The more I think about the dream, the more I smile, and the more I know. What a precious gift!! I don't know if I'll ever get anything like it again... but I'm so grateful I got it at all. I wish I never woke up... Oh well. Its mine to remember forever!
I love you, David Hart! I am sooo crazy in love with you! Visit me anytime, LoveLove! I'm yours completely... eternally.

A LOVE ETERNAL IS OURS ; )

Kiss Kiss, LoveLove!