The Last of the Physical

I can't fall asleep... I didn't know why until just now. Today's the day I've been dreading all month and somehow it just caught me off guard. At this time last year, I let David go for the last time. I stared at every freckle on his face, hugged him tight,kissed him softly... and tried frantically to memorize it all! After getting me into the car, he smiled as he said "I love you," and began to walk away... as I sat in my car I said to myself, "Don't look back." Of course, I looked back to see him walk away with his IBA and ruck-sack in one hand and his laptop case in the other. He never turned around. This was our second time in this position as it was his second tour. He described deployment day like this: "It's like there's a train already in route and moving fast. You can ignore it while you're not on it but when it calls and it's time to get on... you have a job to do. The train doesn't stop for you... It doesn't allow you to look back. But it's because of you that I can get on." Again, I watched him get on that train.

The morning of September 19, 2007... I watched him sleep for the last time... in my head I was begging him to wake up but didn't have the heart to wake him up myself. It's our last day together! I felt really strong and happy though! I wanted to make sure it was a good day. Finally, he woke up and like always we took our shower together- our last shower. After packing up our blankets we went to get our usual... Starbucks. We ran a couple errands,one being Best Buy to get him a laptop case. David liked backpacks, rucksacks, boxes or shelves (things of a organizing nature) so we enjoyed this errand! We might of had lunch at Longhorn Steakhouse, but it's hard to remember. I don't remember the early evening too well... but we packed up the last bit of the house together and at some point David wanted to buy me a jacket since he made me give all my zip-up hoodies to the salvation army! *(I had a lot)* We drove to the mall and he picked out a jacket and sweater that I had been eyeing. We got some ice cream and headed home. At this point it was dark and our time was counting down. At 2400 hours he had to be at the company. I don't recall what we did at home initially... but at some point there was nothing left on the To-Do list in our heads... His uniform was laid out, his boots by the door, and his bags in the car... It was just us.

We decided to lay on the floor. Our entire home was packed up and in storage... so we set an alarm and relaxed by the stairway near the door. We just talked, kissed and held each other... We tried expressing how much we love the other but words never did it justice. Time for him to get ready was nearing... As his body shifted over mine, he embraced me with his arm under my back and the other hand under my head. He just held me like this- so delicately and kissed me. I remember thinking "This is just like that memory verse in Song of Songs." We kissed some more... soft but distinctive... Each kiss had it's purpose- attempting to convey just how much love we had for each other in that moment. My heart was overwhelmed with love for him! I felt as though we were melting further into each other... Our spiritual connection pulsing and growing stronger.

In that moment, as his lips briefly left mine, against my will a single tear fell down my face. I did not want to cry! But my love... my love for him took over. My heart was dancing and breaking at the same time. My mind, for only a split second, remembered- soon, I'd have to let him go. Quickly, I shoved the negative thought back into the dark. But as the first tear fell, another followed and then another. Not a single sound came from me. In attempt to hold back the flood of tears that fearlessly threatened to burst out, I kept my eyes closed... also hoping he hadn't seen. But of course he did. I felt him look at me. He always thought I "looked beautiful" when I cried, "like an angel," He would say when I was done crying. He knew if he said it while I cried I'd get embarrassed and might hide my face. He didn't say it this time, but I knew he was thinking it. I wasn't embarrassed. Lovingly, he held me, watched me, and with his thumb wiped away a few tears.

"Baby..." He said, broken hearted, bringing my head to his chest. I cried a bit more and held each other as though we couldn't be close enough. He leaned his head on mine and stroked my hair. I was so precious to him. He held me like I was rare treasure in his hands! I didn't feel like porcelain or glass, like some might chose to describe it- the opposite actually. I felt precious and delicate, yet strong and absolutely UNbreakable! Never have I felt fragile while in his arms... Nothing can harm me there. Again, I felt the pulse from our love. Few words were said, they didn't need to be, our love spoke volumes! He kissed my tear-soaked lips a few more times before the alarm went off. It was time to go.

David and I are bonded together and our bond has not an ounce of anything man-made in it! We are bonded together by the Spirit. We always felt it, even as teenagers, but lacked the words to describe it. Still words fail me. But our bond has only ever increased in its strength and durability! David never had to be present in order for his love to be felt like the night of the 19th. When separated, one of us would begin to describe how much we loved the the other... the reply would always be, "I know, Baby... I feel it!" So now when I say "I feel his love," know that it's said by my soul. "I feel it!" I may not be able to be held, kissed, or touched by David... He's not able to place an arm under my back and a hand under my head... His thumb can no longer wipe away my tears. BUT his LOVE can reach me!! His love provokes, strengthens and inspires me! Our love IS that "pulse" and it has NO concept of death.
So as I lay here and think of our last physical moments together, I cry... I cry not because of loss... but because of LOVE. TRUE LOVE. ETERNAL LOVE.
OUR LOVE.
I feel strong! For, as long as David loves me, I am entirely his!

"I know, David... I feel it!!"

"Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me." Song of Songs 2:5-6

Not Just A Memory

I can't stop thinking about David. Not that I actually try. It's more like he is ALL I think about. Today, his smile seems most clear... his big, white, gorgeous smile!! If he smiled you HAD to as well! It's been more then 7 months... 7 months and 13 days! Weird. I'm incomplete. I am with out legs... but still I am living. I wonder how long I'm to live this life.. 5 years? 8? 10? 20? I don't know. I can only hope I don't live long enough to forget. If I think for too long about how much I feel like I'm forgetting, I panic. I fear that one day there will be nothing REAL left of David in my memory... only my imagination. I would have never thought that we'd end up with only memories. Sometimes i feel as though all I have is memories, but soon after I realize... He is here with me. I can not allow his passing to be just a memory. JUST A MEMORY is NOT enough. David is more. Even with my waves of emotions... my anger, need, desperation, and tantrums... I want to be used. I know God didn't bring us together for only memories. How pointless... where would hope be?No. We were brought together for more... Like David, I too believe there is something bigger to life then me... bigger then us.... bigger then life itself.

I wish so much David was here with me. I wish so desperately that we could have dived down into the ocean together... He loves the water!!! Just being near an ocean or water made him happy. I wish I swam with him more often... but I didn't know how to swim :) I was thinking... If heaven's "earth" is filled with pleasures... swimming would be one of David's. I can't wait. I can't wait to watch him enjoy it... to swim with him too! One of my first dreams, maybe it was even my very first dream, of David after his death was of me and him in a beautiful ocean. The scene was tropical... There were trees and plants of shapes and color that I had never seen before. The water was so clear and blue. The beauty of the scene just seem so beyond my imagination. David was holding my hand underwater. As we came out of the water music was playing... there was a feeling of FUN that surrounded us. We were laughing and smiling!! SOOOO IN LOVE! : ) His hands were on my hips and I remember moving to the rhythm of the drums that were playing... teaching him a dance of some kind. (He always wanted me to teach him "dance") haha. I don't know why I just went off on that dream. But it reminds me of this place- Bonaire.

I wish he was here. I wish I could see his reaction to this place... his excitement. I've said this before, of course, but I miss my husband. I miss standing by his side and holding his hand. I miss sitting on his lap or kissing his neck. I miss hearing his laugh! Or watching him with his friends... watching him make new ones out of strangers. I wish I could sneak up behind his and wrap my arms around him! I want to touch his face!!! And kiss his lips!!! I want to look into his eyes and, without saying one word, tell him I'm madly in love with him. I miss discussing things with him. Repeating a conversation I just had with someone to him... and hearing his. I miss being able to say "My husband is right over there... "

It's not easy meeting new people and feeling like there's a big crater in your soul that everyone should be able to see but can't. This is why I describe it as losing my legs. I fell like I have a visible disability. I can see it. I can feel it every freaking moment of every flipping day. My life isn't over but changed forever. Why can't they tell that the best part of me is no longer walking earth along side me. Can't they see that there was more to me? Can't they see my ring??? Still, I don't know what to say... should I tell them my husband is dead... should I lie? How much do I let them know? Do they deserve to know? Will they understand? And do I care? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I wish my disability was truly visible to all... sometimes I'm grateful that it's not.

Still... my legs are lost. A man's lost legs are not just a memory... A man will never forget what it was like to have his legs, they are a physical part of them that are no longer there... forever they will be HIS legs. David is my pair of legs. He is not a memory... I will not let him be... David is forever a physical part of me... I will never forget what it was like to have my legs. This life is so lonely. But one day... I will be whole again : )

Earthquake!!!

DANG IT!!! ONLY ANOTHER "CLOSE CALL..." *sigh*

So, I was sitting at my desk at work... Missing David. I was reading his emails to me and mine to him... I was thinking of how much I love him and wish I could be with him... and my computer starts shaking. My manager was rolling his chair around to grab a file so I thought it was him. He comes back to his desk, and both our computers start to shake... then the frames... then the walls started making a loud sound... an earthquake. I looked up to the ceiling and saw the lamp swaying back and forth and thought, "Is this it?? I'm gonna get crushed in a building and I get to be with David! Do I move? Do I 'try' to exit the building or just sit and welcome my fate?" And yes, all of that was said in my head haha. You know how you have those "my life flashed before my eyes" moments?? We that was mine. I've had them before January 8th... but it's different now. I no longer think of what I'm leaving behind... only who is waiting for me. I wonder if David was taken by surprise? haha... If he was watching and thought "Yay! Baby! You're coming to me!... Awww man.. never mind..." (His respond would've gone something like that.) Or maybe he sat back with a smile... thinking "Awww... shes so cute... she thinks she's coming to me. It's not time yet, LoveLove..." WHO THE HECK KNOWS! Its fun to think about though.

Well I'm here. Still here. Still at work. Still love David. My time will come : ) Until then I'll still be working on being the best widow of David I could be : )

You would've looooved that earthquake, David! It was a 5.8!

FUN STUFF! ; )

I love you!!!

Kiss Kiss!!

All thoughts lead to David

Seriously, ALL thoughts really do lead to David! ALL THOUGHTS!! If I'm thinking about pancakes, laundry, music, dance, a shower, the park, running, being sick, brown mountains, a gold star, the ocean, vacation... it all leads back to David. Does this eventually stop? I hope NOT! I don't ever want to stop thinking of my Love. He is still the air I breathe, the reason I eventually get up... He is my only sunshine. David is my light at the end of this miserable dark tunnel.



Our love breaks all boundaries. Words are never descriptive enough these days. David and I have spent most of our time separated by many miles... yet we were always falling more in love with each other. We couldn't help it... the distance drew us closer.

Some think I'm wasting my time or not moving on because I'm in love with someone who isn't coming back. But I beg to differ... I think it's a privilege to love and be loved by David. No one feels David like I do. I feel him... I feel his love... it's what keeps me going. It's what put my foot in front of the other.

He had said to me that I was worth going through another 15 months in Iraq...

Well, baby... Honestly, I've fallen more in love with you! I know you're waiting for me. AND for you, Love, I'd climb mountains, swim oceans, jump canyons, and endure decades of life with out you if it means I get forever with you!! YOU, my love, are worth all of this and more! And for those who think different... well... they've never had a taste of your lips : D I remember from the very beginning of all of this... I said during a rare calm between the tears, "I can do this... If it means David's at the end of it, then I can do it." I stick to those words, David Hart. Know this, David, that even when darkness seems to cover all light, when a smile can no longer be forced upon my face, when a laugh make me sick to my stomach, or when tears wont stop flooding a room... I think it all worth it! I am your ambassador now... I want to be the best one I can be! We're still a team, lovelove... You and me! ; )


Until I meet my finish line... We have my dreams!

Kiss Kiss!!


.......... told you... all thoughts lead to David...

Second state of Conciousness

So... Rough night last night! MAN! A single picture of David knocked me to the floor! It was a still image from a video of the back of David. JUST THE BACK OF HIM! And the "great sadness" surrounded me. I was just trying to hear his voice. I've watched that video a million times! But that single image... there are no words to describe what hit me at that moment. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I felt like a child in the middle of a tantrum. I couldn't help it. I had to get up because I couldn't breathe laying down, yet I couldn't get up. Pain was throughout my body... I realize now, I got into a fetal position merely because there's no specific part of your body to grab... No part that hurts more then the other... It all hurt. I wanted to die. I wanted David. For the longest time the only word that could come out of my mouth was "David." I said it over and over. I must have looked insane! If someone caught me like that, I'm sure they would've considered a loony bin! But finally, words came out... I started to beg... plead... and beg some more... To David. "Please, David, please talk to me. Please if there's any way, Love, then come. Let me remember it! Please... Please... Please... " I've never actually asked David this... not really. I've asked God but not David. I thought I'd be selfish to ask him to visit me... to leave heaven if only for a second just for me. So I hadn't until last night.
Eventually, I calmed down a bit. I don't know how. Slowly, I got up, blew my nose and began finding music for him. I had to do something involving him, anything. I cried throughout the night listening to his music and looking at his pictures until the sun came up. At about 7:30am I guess I fell asleep. The next moment I felt conscious, I was lying face down on my bed. I felt a body behind me. I got so scared! I gasped and threw my hands behind me to feel what it was. I felt thighs. David's thighs. In a split second I turned around to see him. David was right before me. "Hi, baby..." He said and smiled. He was so calm... and I was in disbelief! "David" was all I said. He leaned down, held my face and kissed me... gently... slowly. It was the kind of kiss where our lips feel like clouds... Our favorite. I remember touching his shoulders and his face as he kissed me and realizing this wasn't a dream. I've had those. This was more... it was real. It was really him, and I didn't have much time. I wanted to say so much but couldn't. He gently lowered himself to lay beside me... Holding me, touching me the entire time. Our eyes never looked away from each others. I thought if I said something it'll all disappear. I laid on top of him like I usually do... My upper body on his chest and my legs wrapped around his right leg. Both of his arms held me tight. Finally, I asked, " David, are you OK?" I don't know why that was the question that came out of my mouth but it was. He made this "content" noise that I had forgotten he made... I can't mimic this sound even if I tried it's not the same. But he made that sound then said, "I'm alright, Love" exactly how he always said it. Again, it was like a light bulb when off in me... it's like... "OH YEAH! THAT'S how you'd say that..." kind of a thing. I was in awe. I don't remember either of us saying anything else. I know I felt his chest and shoulders some more and kissed him two more times. Then I felt him going away. In my head I pleaded with myself... "Don't wake up. Please, Nicole, don't wake up" I felt as if I was being pulled up and away from him. I don't remember him actually leaving or me actually being pulled away... I only remember the intense feeling of it. The next moment I can recall is waking up and looking at the clock... 8:03am. I didn't immediately remember being with David... I woke up, called a friend really quick then just laid there. All of a sudden, a huge wave of memory crashed upon me. I remembered! I remembered details... everything... well enough anyway. Enough to know it actually happened. Enough to know it was real.
I quickly reached across my bed to grab my journal and a pen. I began writing but soon got frustrated because I couldn't write fast enough. I felt like it had to be said or written NOW from beginning to end or I'd lose it all. So I called a a fellow widow, told her everything... talking to her, I knew I wasn't crazy. It was David. I asked her why I didn't say more! Why didn't I tell him I love him! Or tell him how much it hurt. She said, the dream was US. She's right. Being in each others arms on our bed was our FAVORITE! How could I forget??? There's always so much in me that I want to say... to explain... but around David I wouldn't really have to say much. Somehow he always knew what was wrong. And knew my bottom line... I just want him. It was the solution to most, if not all, my tantrums. He knew. I just wanted him. The more details I remembered the more confidence I began to feel.
It was you, Love. The more I think about the dream, the more I smile, and the more I know. What a precious gift!! I don't know if I'll ever get anything like it again... but I'm so grateful I got it at all. I wish I never woke up... Oh well. Its mine to remember forever!
I love you, David Hart! I am sooo crazy in love with you! Visit me anytime, LoveLove! I'm yours completely... eternally.

A LOVE ETERNAL IS OURS ; )

Kiss Kiss, LoveLove!

I AM HART

I weep deeply when I read about my husband... When I read about how he touched someone; made them feel special. I don't know if it's because I feel loss, or I'm proud... or I'm just in disbelief. I think it's a combination of it all. I'm so lucky to have him. He's MY husband! DAVID HART is my husband! Wow. What did I do in life to deserve someone so amazing? I'm in awe of who he is, I always have been. How can someone so special love ME so desperatly? David has left me with so much... His love, strength, memories... and his name. I AM HART. His Hart.

Normal? Not so much.

Normal?? HA! Normal is of the past. We hadn't been normal since... well, David's never been a normal kid. Me? I was last normal... I'd say at about 12 years old. Haha Then I meet David. ; ) David traveled the world before he turned 18... He had seen and experienced things men of 60 years hadn't! "An old soul" would best describe the experienced part of David. Stories! Stories! Stories! The man had so many stories! We meet when were were 12 years old. At 22 years old I was still hearing stories from David's adventures for the first time, but some I had heard more times then I could count. Still... I loved hearing him tell them! Wisdom just poured out of David. He was my rock as a teenager... Someone I always trusted... Someone who'd always look out for me, protect me. My mother would allow me to go off with my friends only if David was coming too... She thought if he went I'd be safe. She knew best : ) David was always the fastest, biggest, and strongest. He is my very best friend and the best part of me. To go back to NORMAL after knowing David would be a waste. Normal was not us. Normal is not me.

I am David's widow... and proud to be : )

Widows and Me

I'm in Austin. It's a bit surreal that I'm here! Mostly because of the reasons why I'm here. I'm a widow. Holy Crap! It's hard to believe this is actually happening... I'm in a house with a group of widows. Wow... it's official, I guess.

Oh well... For you, Baby, I'll be anything...

; )

I love my David! ..."Crazy Sauce" haha (inside joke)


-David's Widow

3rd Anniversary

HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVE!!!

Your love is sweeter than wine...

Your love is better than life!

I know you're watching me today. Well, watch away, LoveLove! I'm all yours!!

No secrets! "No crevice you haven't already seen."

AH! If only I could touch you!! I'd wait a 100 years to touch you, David!

You, My Love, are worth the wait!

My love for you, David, is much Stronger than Death itself!

It knows NO FEAR! NO BOUNDRIES!

I can't wait for my finish line...

Until then... We have our dreams ; )

Happy Anniversary!

KISS KISS!!

Apart from you...

I feel full and empty at the same time. You love is filling but, Baby, your absence...
You were right though... Our lives lived together is stronger then our lives led alone. Apart from you, David, I am nothing. Good thing I'll never really be apart from you! I can't touch you but I'm not apart from you. You love me? You do. You love me : )

Our love is stronger than death!

...And so, I am Loved.

I AM FILLED WITH YOUR LOVE, MR. HART!

He Loves Me!

Fighting against society for who you are is exhausting!! I'd love for them to see me the way I see myself without having to plead my case! I want to be naturally accepted by society. Wishful thinking, I know! Why does it matter to me?! I am Nicole Brittany Hart, wife of Sgt. David Joseph Hart. WIFE. Widow? Fine. But single? HELL NO! My love for David doesn't stop because he continues somewhere else... No, it just continues to grow. My heart continues to burn. I don't expect anyone to relate but at least let me be. I long for his intimacy, his loving gaze, his hushed voice, and his bold presence. With all the confidence in me I say, DAVID LOVES ME. Not a moment was taken for granted, not a kiss went unappreciated, no argument was left unsettled, and every tear wiped away. Unconditional, uncontainable, passionate, exciting, and rejuvenating is his love! For as long as David loves me, I love David.

Kiss Kiss, My Love!!

#5

It's cruel how life goes on without David! I despise it! A moment without David seems hopeless- let alone, hours, days, night, weeks, months... years.

5 months?! Are you kidding me???!! How much more can i take? I hurt so deep inside. Crying harder and harder does nothing. It certainly doesn't bring him back or me closer to him. But it feels like it should. I hate the 8th!

My Love? I miss you. Will you come be next to me? I get a weird feeling looking at your pictures... It's like I almost expect it to come alive, but it never does. I love you, David Hart.

*SIGH* You taught me so much! My foot goes in front of the other because yours always did too. Your love gives me strength. For you, My Love, I would do anything!!

Going On

My Love, I go on because I love you. I guess I've been cursed with strength. Strength to endure this pain. I don't desire it. "Getting through" this isn't what I want to do. Giving up sounds gracious to me! But I do go on because I LOVE YOU. Your love is with me... You said so : ) And we both know... You're always right! ; D I love you, hot stuff!

Perfection!

He is perfect. Perfect features... breath-taking blue eyes, gorgeous smile, adorable button nose, beautiful lips... perfect body... His courage has no end. His strength?? UNMATCHABLE! His LOVE... everlasting!! PERFECTION! I want him. Every bit of him... His arms were so warm, his voice so comforting. He protected me, romanced me, loved me above all... and loved God. My body aches for this perfect man I call my own. I'm scared; scared of the present and even more scared of the future. I'm in the absence of his perfection... it's cold and lonely without it.

baby!baby! I love you ; )

Great Saddness

GOD!!! LET ME OUT!! LET ME OUT OF THIS SHELL!! This stupid shell that was once my body... Now it only holds me captive. I'm trapped. Stuck. I feel surrounded by the "Great Saddness." How does one get past disbelief? I'm not sure I want to. The thought of being used to David's absence discusts me! It literally makes me sick.

I dont know why the car always ends up being the perfect place to have a melt down... But it is. I let it all out in the car today. I pulled over and screamed for the first time since January 8th. It's hard to put to words but I didn't scream at the top of my lungs... it was more a scream from the bottom of my heart. It felt good. Nothing was resolved or accoplished by it but it's what I feel like doing 24 hours a day so to actually let it out was nice.

I love you, Baby...

The Airport and My Heart

In the LAX airport.. going to Philadelphia for my first appointment. I miss David so much. My stomach hurts. I'm just sick at the thought of him being gone.

Lord, I know you don't take pleasure in inflicting pain... but I'm feeling completely engulfed in it right now. Where are you? Come near me... I want to feel you as David does now. I want to know you as David did here on earth. I want to walk with you as close as he did.

J said last night that our time here on earth is preparation of our going to heaven. I want to keep that mentality. PREPARATION. I can do that. Prepare. Prepare to see you and David. My ultimate LOVES! David would always say that you loved me "so very much." I'm trying desperately to hold on to that because you feel so far away right now. What do I have left to lose? Why can't I trust you if i have nothing to lose? What do I fear? I fear LIFE itself I suppose. I fear you'll leave me here. I fear a long lonely life without my husband. Trust you or not, life still sucks! I don't want a normal life if life is what I must have! I want to honor David. Please... there must be something. Something big. Why else would you leave me here??

It hurts. My heart doesn't recognize this pain... Pain is now my heart's constant companion. David and I were one. ONE! What am I now? Two? A half? Not whole! I can't be whole. I don't feel whole. I want no one else to comfort my heart. David owns this heart... this heart you've created. So only you would I let in it.

I hate sleep

Sleep... I HATE SLEEP. To sleep means to wake up to a new day! A new day is my nightmare! I miss you, David. I can't wait to feel your face, your lips, your embrace... I wish to dream of you tonight!! I love you... I'll love you forever. Because LOVE IS STRONGER THAN DEATH! Just like you said. : D

Night Night, Love Love.

I can NOT look to the FUTURE of THIS LIFE,

the thoguht is just TOO PAINFUL.

TODAY is all that has been placed before me.

Only TODAY.

My Love

MY LOVE! I miss you. What can I say, My Love, but I miss you. I can't believe this has happened to us. I'm numb to the fact that I haven't heard your voice. It sounds silly, but i feel like I've become stupid. I can't do anything for myself. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to eat, sleep, laugh, cry, talk... no one challenges me in conversation like you do anyway. My Love... never would we have thought that this would be us. I regret NOTHING! Nothing about us do I regret! YOU are my deepest JOY! How perfect you are, My Love!

I remembered tonight, the evening I started down the stairway in our home and out of no where, began to weep. I wept so desperately all of a sudden. The wave of emotion that crashed upon me at that moment took me completely off guard. But you rushed to me... as smooth and as quickly as wind would blow upon my face. I didn't even hear you make your way to me... but in a moment you embraced me completely. I was enveloped by your love. "I'm right here," you said. You knew why I was crying... you didn't even ask. You knew I had already begun to miss you before you had even left. You know me better then I know myself. How, My Love, will I manage without you?! How can I possibly go on? Why?! Why must I? I'm still so angry. Why us? Why you?

My crying has increased. i cry longer. I cry harder. How do I do this, Love? I miss you so much.

Kiss Kiss, Love Love

Goodnight.

Pure Love

Today, while in the car I remembered when David and I were at BABR. We were the youngest staff members. It was right around the time we began to realize how strong our love was for each other.
Hans drove David, myself, and Jo-Jo down to BABR... For almost the entire drive from Cali to New Mexico, David and I held hands... Well, fingers, really. He was in the front seat, Jo-Jo and I were in the back. David had to squeeze his hand in between the seat and the door to try to reach my hand. My fingers were all he could grab hold of though. It was enough : ) Enough to make butterflies dance in my stomach! Just touching his fingers made me fall in love even more!! By the time we arrived David's hand was stiff... it had cramped up for so long it had become stuck! It was all so innocent... so pure! I loved him and he loved me... even then!

You still make butterflies dance in my stomach, My Love! Just re-living the memory in my head gave me butterflies... I love you, David Hart.

Heaven

I don't understand. In the book 50 Days of Heaven, it says we'll complete dreams on the "New Earth." Such as, building the boat you always dreamed of building. Ultimately, it would be taking pleasure in God himself because God is pleasure... he created it. So, taking pleasure in something "secondary" would be taking pleasure in him. SOOO why wouldn't making love to my husband or indulging in his kisses be a secondary pleasure we're allowed to take part in???? This book says we could build boats, eat delicious food, or sing BUT no marriage. WTF??!! Are we only allowed non-intimate pleasures?? We're able to be mothers and fathers in heaven but not lovers?! Makes NO sense to me! This doesn't sound like God to me. Why would he end the most beautiful and purest of his creation? Love. Love... self-less love has no end. In the garden of Eden, man and woman made love and worshiped God. Together! Together, they walked and talked with God. I hate the book. I want David.

I want you. All of you, My Love.

An Awakening

I haven't woken up next to David in four months now... Every morning feels a bit more devastating then the last. I have a picture of us by my bed... pretty much right next to my head. It's a picture of us at the YWAM base... it was his farewell party before he left for Iraq. I love the picture. It's US. No sparkling lights, moons, or stars... just US. I can't stop looking at it. I wonder when it's going to sink in. I never imagined myself with out David. Sounds so cliche, I know!

I had a rude awakening today. I can't count on anyone! I shouldn't. David is the only person who wouldn't let me down, because he thought about me before himself. He's the most self-less person I know. Depending on anyone else just wouldn't be fair... to them... or to me. I miss David. I miss his strength. I miss hearing his voice. I never took his words lightly. That's why he could make me laugh so hard and cry so deeply. When he spoke, all the loud thoughts in my head would come to a whisper so I could take in what he'd have to say. I love discussing things with him! God, work, friends, our future, our kids...The Hills and Flavor of Love ; ) ... ANYTHING! I love asking him questions! David is the only one who would be able to make sense out of all of this for me. He is my best friend. God, help me.

Please Wake Up!

It's been twelve days since David's death. Wow.... I can't believe I just said that... "David's Death." It doesn't seem real! I can't fully grasp all this... the idea of David being gone. It's been almost three days since I've last had a good cry. Is something wrong with me? This is all sooo impossible!! David isn't here?! How can I survive without MY LOVE? It has to be a dream.